


youth

by waterfallkarl



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, background dnf, cliché lgbtphobic parents, i use real names because it looks better in writing, idk i just think they’re neat, idk making this up as i go along, karlnap, maybe sprinkle in some religious trauma, sapnaps parents are good tho, they’re both trans, tws as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28425465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterfallkarl/pseuds/waterfallkarl
Summary: "Momma always tells me I need to marry my favorite boy, well I think I'm gonna marry you, Nick!"In which Karl and Nick are both trans boys, and Karl’s mom takes every measure possible to keep her son away from Nick and his supportive parents.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Comments: 95
Kudos: 365





	1. Prologue

"Momma always tells me I need to marry my favorite boy, well I think I'm gonna marry you, Nick!" Karl looked over at his best friend, grinning as he waited for his approval. Nick was smiling so wide he literally had to cover his mouth, hands shaking with energy.

"That would be so fun! I really want that."

The two sat in silence for a moment, both of them beaming in content as they continued to shape the sand under their fingers into the castle of their dreams. All of a sudden though, Karl frowned. "I thought only boys and girls could marry?"

Nick huffed, looking at him and tipping his head thoughtfully. "Anyone can marry, Karl. My dad says boys and boys can marry, girls and girls can marry, and boys and girls can, anyone can!" He lit up again, like he excited himself with the news. And Karl was about to do the same thing, but he slumped again when he thought about it more.

"But my momma says only boys and girls." He looked confused, as if his own words didn't make sense to him. They didn't sound right. "And she says I'm a girl..."

"Shh," Nick frowned, reaching out and tapping his nose with his finger. He pulled away and looked all concentrated as he continued to work on their sand castle. "Your mom is mean. You're not a girl. You're the coolest boy I've ever met."

"Really?" Karl glanced up nervously, his eyes actually feeling teary. He got really sensitive when he talked about things like this. No one in his life accepted him as much as Nick did. His classmates always called him by the wrong name and his family wouldn't listen to him when he tried to tell them how he felt. No one really understood his feelings except for his best friend. That was why he was here to stay, even when Karl's mom didn't let him see him anymore because he got his hair cut and his parents started calling him by his real name.

"Yes, really." Nick scoffed, not even looking up. "You think I'd lie to you?"

"No!" Karl exclaimed, trying not to do anything drastic to the castle just out of pure happiness. He had so many happy hormones running through his body, making his limbs want to wiggle. So he wrung his hands out, his eyes so full of life as he stared at him. "I'm just...very happy."

"I am happiest when we are together!" Nick said easily, like it was second nature. He glanced up for a split second and smiled when their gazes met. "Yeah, I think marrying you would be nice."

Karl squealed, shaking his hands more and reaching to touch at his long hair to fix it. "We are two boys...and we can marry?"

"Yes!" Nick grinned, nodding his head eagerly. His expression changed when he pursued his lips and he looked Karl up and down, thoughtful. "What is better, Karl Armstrong or Nick Jacobs?"

"I like my last name on you!" Karl giggled, finally reaching out and nudging Nick by his shoulders to roughhouse with him. "Sounds good!"

"Well I think you sound good with mine," Nick pouted, not fighting back, which only made Karl try to scoot closer and shake him around.

"Nick Jacobs!" Karl practically yelled in his face, and the two burst out into laughter. So much that the boy fell backwards, his head landing in the sand. He laid back enough so he could kick his legs in the air as well. He was over the moon. He had a solution to the problem that his mom kept bringing up, and that was that he could just marry his best friend and not have to jump through more hoops to do what she wanted!

❀ ❀ ❀

"Momma, can two boys get married?" Karl asked loudly, his eyes shining with wonder. He just wanted to hear it from someone other than Nick, because even though he would take his opinions as fact no matter what, he just wanted one other person to tell him that could be possible, and cater to his curiosities.

However, he was met by long silence, which quickly turned Karl's hopeful expression into a painful frown. He knew what that meant. "No, they can't." His mom said, like it was nothing. Did Nick lie to him? Karl's bottom lip quivered, because he thought about how Nick called him the coolest boy and how they were going to get married together and that he'd get Karl's last name.

He hesitated, reaching in her direction because he just wanted to be held and comforted. He always felt safest in the touch of other people, even when they made him sad sometimes. His mom was the biggest example of that; she said things like this to whittle down his hopes and dreams and then cuddle him until he felt like she was justified.

"The only boys and boys that get married are bad ones," Karl's mom said in the softest way she could for such unfortunate words. She pulled him into a little embrace where he sat on the chair and pulled away with a stern look on his face, making Karl shudder with anxiety. "Only boys and girls. I tell you this so much."

"Sorry momma," Karl sighed, staring at the wall now and just feeling empty. So who was right, his mother who raised him from birth, or his best friend? He couldn't help but think of the way Nick smiled and how the wind would ruffle his dark hair, making him look straight out of a cartoon. His sweet words, how they praised Karl simply for existing and respected his existence as his true self, unlike Karl's mom. And as he nuzzled into her warm embrace, he knew that he didn't hate her, he just hated the things she said to her, how she tried to keep Karl from meeting up with Nick and how she refused to call him anything but the name he was given at birth.

He didn't know what he'd do if Nick didn't go to his school. He would feel so alone. Sometimes he would tell kids his real name and they would bombard him with questions or laugh at him. But Nick was quickly accepted because he looked like a boy, unlike Karl.

Later that night, Karl stood in front of the bathroom mirror, scissors in hand. The door was closed and locked, and he knew his mother wouldn't be looking out for him right now. He made one last wary glance out as if he expected it to swing open at any time, and then touched at his long hair to hold it out and then cut it. His eyes widened, looking at the strands in his hands, reflecting yellow bathroom light. He shivered, but the weight that had been sitting on his chest had finally lifted. He lit up, continuing to cut all around his head until it was short, but it was also an uneven mess. Soon enough he stepped back and stared at himself in the mirror with teary eyes, not able to believe what he saw in front of him. Yeah, his haircut looked awful, but at least he actually looked like himself. He looked like a boy.

Karl smiled, enjoying his moment of clarity before he suddenly felt a spike of anxiety when he realized that his mom was going to see him like this. He panicked, trying to grab all the hair in the sink and stuff it into the trash can, trying to hide the pile under toilet paper rolls and dirty tissues. He turned on the sink to wash the rest of the strands down the drain, and wiped at the edges until the porcelain was spotless.

He stepped back and caught another glance of his reflection, smiling again weakly. Now that was Karl Jacobs. He couldn't wait to show Nick the next day. Quickly, he grabbed the scissors and stuffed them in the drawer, because he didn't want to put them in the kitchen downstairs just yet. His parents were there and they'd see his hair; he wasn't ready for that conversation yet. He darted from the bathroom straight to his room, and he closed the door, running to flop backwards on his bed.

Karl stared up at the ceiling, covering himself with his blanket and quickly rolling onto his side. As he closed his eyes, he pictured Nick's hypothetical reaction to his hair, and he couldn't help but soften up.

What comforted him the most that night was thinking of holding his best friend as they both fell asleep together. Ever since it had always been clear as day that Karl's love language manifested in the form of pure, unfiltered touch.


	2. Have the Best Summer Ever

Karl didn’t know it was his last day at this school. It was obvious that the current semester had come to an end, due to the yearbook in his bag, but he wasn’t told that he would never be coming back. Just like all the years before he just assumed that he would be back in the same old building with his same old friend, only for a new school year. Although saying goodbye to Karl for the summer was quite painful, saying goodbye to him for years would be anguish.

But again, he didn’t know that. His parents didn’t tell him, and he was just an oblivious kid. For the last day of their childhood company, they danced across the playground, hanging from high places and reliving their daydreams once again. This was the highlight of Karl’s waking days, were to just exist in Nick’s presence. They would drive each other to endless bubbly laughter, nerves relaxing enough to threaten them with the potential of falling into the bed of wood chips below. That didn’t keep them from acting so reckless, even when Nick lost his balance dangling from some bars and tumbled back onto the ground. They both just laughed harder, because now they were tough enough to ignore the way that the wood chips would dig into their skin and leave bloody marks and splinters.

Eventually though, their energy began to mellow out, and the two found themselves lounging in a patch of grass next to a cluster of small trees that surrounded the playground. Karl beamed, reaching for his bag, and he yanked out his yearbook, showing it off to Nick. “We have to write in them!” He already got a couple of short notes and signatures from a few classmates, but he felt that in the future he would look back at those ones and not recognize a single name. Nick, however, he was different. Of course. He just had to have the biggest space dedicated for whatever he decided to write there.

Watching Nick smile and fumble in his bag for a pen was the most pleasant thing he could see. And although he would’ve liked to speak up and tell him he was gonna write in his book at the same time, it was equally nice to sit peacefully and glance down as the pen scrawled letters onto the page.

Soon enough, he was being nudged his book back, and he carefully took it into his hands, reading it immediately out of sheer curiosity.

_Have the best summer ever Karl. Remember you can be whatever you want to be no matter what. You’re my bestest friend ever. :) - Nick_

Karl immediately burst into giggles of pure glee, looking to Nick and beaming as he clutched his book close. He was a sucker for kind words, especially when they came from the hands of the person he adored the most. “Thank you Nick,” he mumbled, holding it away just to skim over his note once again. “I need to leave you one.”

“Oh yeah,” Nick chuckled, turning and rummaging through his bag for his own book. He handed it over, placing it on top of Karl’s a little carelessly. Karl didn’t mind. What he did mind was that as he was flipping to the last page Nick tossed the pen at him and it hit him straight in the face, making him squeak in alarm. He paused for a long moment, wrinkling his nose and then laughing loudly once he processed it.

“Nick! What the honk?” He picked up the pen, glaring up at his friend playfully and scooting away a little just to be dramatic. He held his book up, biting his lip in focus as he wrote out his message for Nick. As the other boy scooted closer, he huffed and held the book parallel to their bodies so that he wouldn’t see. “It’s a surprise!” He whined, and to which, Nick rolled his eyes and retreated with a big grin on his face. Karl was satisfied, but didn’t let any of the page show to his eyes as he finished off the note. Finally, he scribbled his name at the end and then handed it over. “Read!”

Nick hummed simply, taking his book back and looking over the small paragraph with hooded eyes. His hair ruffled in the wind a bit, complimented by the swaying branches overhead. Karl was happy.

_Thank you for being my friend Nick! There is nothing else that makes me happier! You make the sun shine brighter sometimes. I can’t wait to see you again. Have the best summer ever. Karl_

After his name was a series of sloppy doodles, of hearts and clouds and stars. He watched as Nick ran his thumb over the drawings, and cringed as it smeared over a spot that had a little too much ink on it.

“Sorry Karl,” Nick muttered the second he saw that Karl noticed that, and he looked up with guilty eyes comparable to that of a sad puppy’s.

But Karl wasn’t even the slightest bit mad. He looked at it again, and nudged him with a smile. “What do you mean? You made it better.”

Nick chuckled, seeming doubtful, but there was a smile on his face again. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

Silence hung in the air for a while, but not the kind that was uncomfortable and made Karl want to crawl out of his skin. It was bittersweet, positive because he had another year of Nick’s writing in his hands but sour because that meant he would have to go the whole summer without his best friend. He froze, feeling his heart drop in his stomach like a stone. He was going to be stuck with his parents for all those months, alone without someone to support his identity. He would have to get used to the absence of Nick himself; his smiling face, the jokes he cracked to make Karl cackle with laughter, his hugs that caused Karl to melt from just how warm and safe he felt in his arms. He took a deep breath, feeling the floodgates in his eyes open despite his head wishing he didn’t have to be a crybaby about it. He closed his book, turning and clinging to Nick’s side without a moment of hesitation. And as always, he was pulled into the softest embrace, a gentle hand rubbing at his back.

Karl couldn’t help it. He was crying.

“You’re gonna be okay, Karl.” Nick whispered, his hand lifting to touch at his hair. Karl melted even more, just completely overwhelmed by the amount of emotion that decided to pummel him at once. First he had the knowledge of looming loneliness printed into the back of his mind, but he also had to deal with the butterflies that exploded in the pit of his stomach as Nick caressed his hand gently through his hair. And for some reason, that made him sob harder. Knowing that he was going to be kept away from the one person in his life that ever made him feel so alive like this was destroying him from the inside. It felt like his mother had a pair of scissors jabbed through his chest to cut at each heartstring until he was left without a source of happiness. If it wasn’t Nick, it was his identity. If it wasn’t his identity, it was his rebellion. If it wasn’t his rebellion, it was his inadequacy.

He didn’t want to feel like this anymore. He couldn’t take it. He knew he couldn’t be alone for the summer, but just feeling Nick’s arms around him like this made him start to think he might possibly be okay.

Suddenly the bell rang, ripping Karl from the helpless headspace he had wriggled himself into. He slowly pulled away, making wide eyes at Nick. He didn’t want to leave.

“Shh, don’t worry Karl.” Nick frowned, and it was genuine. There was a glimmer of sadness in his warm eyes that wasn’t there when he was just teasing. “You’re gonna be okay. And you’re gonna see me again.”

Karl nodded sheepishly, sniffling and turning to his book so he could fit it in his backpack. He pulled the straps over his shoulders, and got up on shaky legs. He didn’t want to show up to class crying, so he took deep breaths to keep himself stable, but his nose was still a rosy pink. Nick followed him back to the doors, quiet. The silence was deafening now. It was so bad.

Karl paused at the double doors, sniffling and yanking Nick into a hug again. He almost expected to be pushed away since they were definitely going to be late at this point. But he was hugged back, and he calmed down significantly in a matter of seconds.

He pulled away again, watching him sadly. “I’m gonna be alone.”

Nick’s eyes rounded at that, and suddenly he pulled his backpack from his shoulders to search for something inside. “Wait, wait Karl. I have something for you.”

Karl frowned since his statement wasn’t really debunked, but he couldn’t help but feel excited at the thought of a gift.

Nick pulled out a white bandana, putting it firmly in Karl’s hand and smiling wide. “You’re never alone.” He said simply, blinking and dipping his head like he was also getting emotional.

It was taking every muscle in Karl’s body not to start crying again. He sighed quietly, folding the fabric carefully and smiling as he looked at him, studying his expression. “I’ll keep this forever and ever.”

“You better,” Nick hummed, putting on a more cheerful attitude to lighten the mood. “Wear it next time you see me, yeah? Then we can match,”

“Oooh, I like that.” Karl beamed. He was going to have to figure out how Nick ties it in the cool way that he does. “It won’t be that long, right?”

“It won’t,” Nick said simply. “I promise.”

Karl’s heart swelled, and finally the two of them stepped through the doors, with a little bit of unspoken encouragement from staff, of course. It was hard not to hug Nick again as they said their goodbyes, but eventually they were guided back to their separate classrooms.

Karl stared at the bandana in his hands, toying with it once he was in his seat. His teacher didn’t even say anything this time and left him alone. He just sat there, focused as he folded it into pattern after pattern.

It smelled like Nick’s house.

As he inspected the white fabric, he could swear he saw Nick’s face staring back at him. He had a piece of him now, something that was more unique than a message in a yearbook. This was something that used to be his and was now in Karl’s possession. It was personal, thoughtful, and the purest symbol of unconditional friendship.

Karl’s heart had never been bigger.


	3. My Name is Karl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: religious-related gripes and trauma, minor panic attack
> 
> stay safe and thank you for reading <3

Karl's hair grew back fast.

Day by day he passed himself in the mirror and watched it slowly creep over his shoulders. Now he didn't have the guts to cut it off again, especially since he was practically forced back into the closet.

His mother made him switch schools. He spent his entire summer excited for autumn to come around only to be told that he was never going back ever again. That news destroyed him, and he remembered sitting in his room for days with his door locked and his yearbook in his lap. All he could do was read Nick's note over and over again to remind himself that his best friend still existed. And on the first day of school, the thought of Nick going to their old school again with his favorite bandana tied around his head broke his heart. He would search all day and never find him, as well as the next day, and the next.

Nick was going to have to deal with never seeing Karl again with no explanation, and Karl was going to have to live with the fact that he got himself into this mess.

Of course he had to open his annoying mouth and tell his mom that he was a boy. Now she talked to him like he was a demon, like he wasn't even her child anymore. She told him constantly that he was brainwashed, and that Nick wanted him to feel like this. That he had an agenda he was trying to spread and Karl was falling for it because he was kind.

He wasn't sure what to believe anymore. His mother was getting even more rigid with their church visits, and not only was he required to attend every Sunday but also Wednesday nights where they had a program specifically for people under eighteen. She told him that he was going to attend for as long as he lived under her roof. He wasn't that mad, though. It could be worse.

Usually while he was there he would just get lost in his own head and tune out what the others were saying, enough that when he would come back to reality he would see a bunch of confused faces staring at him. They'd ask him if he was ok, and if he wanted to add anything to the discussion, to which he would shrug or shake his head.

He didn't hate religion, he just didn't feel like these other kids did. He watched them come in with lights glistening in their eyes, and they would talk about their faith as if it was the best thing to happen to them.

Karl couldn't say that he felt the same. His mom just used the Bible to invalidate his feelings, telling him that identifying with a different gender was a sin. Deep down he knew that if there was any sort of God out there, that he would be loved as he was. It wasn't like he just woke up one day and decided to feel like a boy, he had just felt it forever and he didn't even know it was possible for him to be one until Nick came along. Ever since then, in his heart, he was a boy. Even when he was misgendered constantly by his peers, family, and community, he knew what he was and what he wasn't.

Every day he walked into school and wished he could just be like the other kids there. They probably went home to their parents with smiles on their faces, and were welcomed with open arms because they did what they were supposed to and were happy about it. Karl always came home and shut the door behind him, isolating himself from his family.

He thought about Nick. God, he thought about Nick so much. He remembered his warm eyes that sparkled like melted amber, and the way he tied his bandana behind his head so the long ends swayed down almost to his shoulders. He recalled when they were much younger and they still could visit each other's houses. Nick's parents had not hesitated to call him Karl just as they called their son Nick. Sometimes he wished they were his parents instead.

But at the same time, he didn't hate his mom. How could he? She had been in his life for much longer than Nick. Some of his fondest memories were with his mother. She wasn't all bad; it wasn't like all she did was ridicule him for believing he was a boy. She showed him affection and congratulated him and encouraged him, and she knew just what to do to make him smile every day. She always told him that the reason why she was making him go to church a lot more now was because she was worried for him.

Was that true?

The pastors all said that was true. After a year of attending twice a week every week, he had quite a few conversations with them. They knew about his identity because his mother didn't know how to keep her mouth shut about it. Karl just wanted that to disappear, let it become a whisper in the shadows. Something that wasn't actually true, a rumor made up to make him look bad. He was participating more and more in his youth groups. His hair grew longer. He didn't feel as sick wearing feminine clothes anymore. He stared in the mirror at his reflection and ignored the nagging thoughts at the back of his mind that he wasn't being true to himself. They were blocked out. They didn't exist in the first place.

That was just the devil tempting him, right?

He was fed the same information from the same mouths, day after day after day. All he heard around him was that trying to be the opposite gender was a sinful act, and that everyone must embrace their "natural gender" to be accepted by Christ. And so, desperate for validation, he changed. He went from being a hopeful little boy with scissors in his hands, to being a quiet girl with baggy eyes.

That was sick. It made him mad how much he wished he was persistent instead. He was disappointing his family. He was disappointing everyone. He was disappointing God.

"You good?" A new voice asked.

Karl lifted his head and pressed his lips together, looking up to see who was talking to him. A boy had sat next to him, searching his face for an answer. He had a gray beanie on, and dark hair barely poked out from under the band. It had been a few years. Karl was fourteen.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Karl sighed, looking away because he was uncomfortable. He was disturbed by his own thoughts, enough to make him feel sick. The thought of speaking to a new person right now made him feel even more queasy, especially when they were under the church's roof where it seemed all his private thoughts were predicted and brought to light.

The boy was calm, though. He just hummed and looked away, giving Karl his space. "I can't help but to feel like you don't belong here."

What a weird thing to say. Karl's skin crawled with goosebumps. He looked back at him, squinting slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I can't explain it. You just look... off." The other cracked a half-smile. "I don't blame you, I feel the exact same way."

"About what?" Karl asked, raising an eyebrow.

"About this place," The boy made a little gesture to show off the room. They were in one of the biggest rooms, specifically the one they gathered to before the Wednesday night teaching. "I don't belong here."

Karl felt dizzy. He wanted to tell him exactly how he felt, word for word. He wanted to vent about how many years he had been suppressing his true self, and how the religion this place twisted was the root cause of all his problems in his life. But at the same time, he thought about how everyone sang together, how they linked hands, how memorizing the verses filled him with a sense of importance and goodness.

He touched at his head. He had a horrible headache.

"Well, you would be mistaken."

The boy just looked at him and smirked, shaking his head. He seemed to be deep in thought. "I guess I might be wrong." Then he turned, trying to get a good look of Karl's face. "My name's Alex. It's my first day here."

Karl hesitated, thinking of his chosen name that hadn't been uttered from his mouth in such a long time. He felt like his throat would go dry if he tried to say it.

He said his birth name. His chest felt tight. Why was he looking at Alex like that? He was sweating but his body was also being racked by shivers.

He was hyperventilating. Alex's expression turned into one of concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Karl forced himself to let out, even though he wanted to admit he wasn't.

"You look pale." Did Alex have a filter? Also, Karl was always pale. That wasn't new. What was new was that he was breathing so heavily and tears were welling up in his eyes. Why? Why was he feeling like this all of a sudden?

It was like he was a shaken soda bottle, and this time the cap was going to pop off. After so many years of keeping everything inside, it was only inevitable that he was going to blow up. But why here? Why now?

Karl sobbed and covered his mouth, and the tears immediately slipped down his cheeks. Alex paused like he was dumbfounded for a few moments before he scooted closer and carefully put an arm around him. Luckily, that was the kind of thing that made Karl feel safe, so he leaned into it, shakily putting his arms around him and hiding his face. He was still breathing so hard and so quickly that he felt his bottom lip numb in that despicable way where it felt like thousands of pins and needles were jabbing into his skin. He was lightheaded, so he closed his eyes and just let everything out.

"Hey, it's okay," Alex sounded awkward, which Karl couldn't blame. He was literally holding someone he just met and crying into his hoodie. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't stand that he was suppressing his true identity for so long. He just wanted to tell one person. The fact that Alex was being so nice to him and he didn't have the courage to say his real name in front of him broke his heart. He couldn't take back the first moments of them meeting. This interaction would be ingrained in both their heads for as long or as short as their relationship bloomed.

Karl stayed there until he was relaxed and just sniffling helplessly, and his eyelashes fluttered when he felt Alex's fingers run carefully through his hair. It was so comforting and sweet, and reminded him of someone.

The affectionate, pure touch of another boy. He suddenly tasted tropicals on his tongue. Karl and Nick lounging on the sidewalk, drinking from the thin straws of Capri-Suns. He remembered how they laughed and traded flavors, trying to poke their straws into the other's juice pouch. The sun would burn so hot on their skin that they'd come inside and sit near the air conditioner. Nick's skin would be perfectly tanned, and Karl would burn like paper. He'd look in the mirror later and laugh at his reflection, how he was covered in red splotches from where his skin was exposed to the sunlight. And then the next day when they returned to school Karl would scratch at his skin until Nick took ahold of his hands and told him to stop. He even used to carry the smallest bottle of aloe vera on him just because Karl would constantly be pink and itchy.

Karl blinked away another tear. He lifted his head, looking up at Alex, and he softened, surprised that he was still being held like this. "Sorry," he mumbled, his head finally becoming clear enough to talk. The numbness in his lips had ebbed out, so when he pressed them together he was relieved to feel the soft flesh flatten. "I'm really sorry,"

"Don't be," Alex made a little shrug, taking his hand away and watching him all nervously. He definitely wasn't used to comforting people like this. That was okay. As long as he understood.

"W-what I said to you... that wasn't my name." Karl's eyes flashed. He hoped he didn't regret this. "My name is Karl."

"Oh, okay." Alex took the news in the easiest way possible. He didn't seem to care much about the name change; he was just watching him closely as if he was making sure that he was alright. Which to that, Karl's heart felt happy.

"And I'm a boy too but people really don't like to accept that," Karl mumbled, running his hand self-consciously though his hair. It was getting so long. Too long. He just wanted to chop it all off and feel connected with his reflection once again like he had done all those years ago. Not that long hair couldn't be a trait on boys, but that they just weren't the vision he was going for as a boy. He was being forced to have his hair this long, which was what made him despise it the most. It was pretty. Feminine. It made him likable to a society that saw him as a girl. And just to spite that fact, he wanted to spin it like a top and do the opposite of what was expected of him. He wanted to cut his hair.

He was silent as he fantasized about a short haircut, barely able to process Alex's words when he talked again. "Well I accept that, and now I have a problem with anyone who tells you differently." He looked up with round eyes to watch the other boy's eyebrow raise. He was very well spoken and sweet. Karl couldn't stop melting in his chair because he hadn't experienced this type of kindness in such a long time.

"I'm so happy you do," Karl mumbled, staying rather quiet because he was sure that he would burst into tears again if he spoke any louder. "Thank you,"

"You don't need to thank me," Alex scoffed; he almost seemed offended by the insinuation. "You are who you are. And you seem really fuckin' hurt from whatever other people are saying to you."

Karl took a deep breath, and he nodded carefully, not able to help the spike of anxiety that rippled through his body when Alex swore. Not because he didn't like swearing or anything; he wouldn't complain if someone else did, it was just that they were literally sitting in the church and someone could listen in on them. His stomach was tying itself in knots, and he felt like he might just faint from how much his body was focused on remaining calm.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" Alex suddenly asked, which made Karl's heart start to skip beats. He glanced up, tipping his head slightly like a curious puppy's would.

"Like, outside?"

"Of course outside." Alex laughed. His eyes were bright. "I saw an ice cream place across the street. We can skip and get some, it's on me."

Karl softened. He hadn't been so tempted to leave the church while there was going to be a sermon. And even though his gut was telling him it was a bad idea and he was going to be caught, he couldn't help but nod, and he smiled a bit.

"Yeah, I want to."


	4. I’m Not Happy Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: arguing, more religious standpoints, transphobia
> 
> stay safe

Karl, obviously, got in trouble. Not when he was picked up, because him and Alex actually showed up to the church a bit later with full bellies and more positive attitudes; therefore when his mom arrived he simply walked out of the building as usual. The problem was later, when she had a conversation with one of the pastors and he mentioned how Karl was missing for more than half of the time he was supposed to be there. It wasn't much of a surprise that the leaders in the church watched the kids like hawks, since they seemed so desperate to feed them the information that they preached every night they were here. They were creating another generation with the same thought patterns as them, which Karl definitely found questionable. He didn't see why caring about "homosexuality" was so important in this day and age. It wasn't like straight couples were dying out. The world was literally becoming vastly overpopulated. If anything, Karl would be doing everyone a favor if he had another boy as his lover.

Unfortunately though, he just had to sit there and shudder as he listened to the scathing words of the people who had a surprising amount of control over him. Despite the fact that he had fallen into the pit of desiring their validation for a while, and was still trying to act like he was still in that phase, he found himself clenching his fists whenever something was said that could be linked to his feelings in any way, and it took all his self-control not to storm out of the room or just burst out crying. Knowing that only one person in the room outwardly supported his identity without question made him so uncontrollably angry and upset. How many years was he going to suffer before people would finally start to take him seriously? And will the church ever realize that he wasn't on this planet to convert them or hurt them, but to seek acceptance and respect?

Church days started to blend into one another, but at least Karl had a friend now. A true friend. Whether they were sneaking out of the building to hang out with each other or staying to seriously take in the lessons, Karl had a genuinely good time with Alex no matter what. The other boy was kind and thoughtful, but also ridiculously hilarious. He made Karl burst into giggles endlessly in a way that only one other person in his life had achieved. He fell back in his chair multiple times to literally cackle his lungs out, and even a few times during sermons. It was kind of embarrassing, but he couldn't control it when Alex was just that funny.

Those outbursts were when people started to catch on. They sat and watched as the quiet and awkward unpopular girl was suddenly talking at a high volume, acting out, and laughing without a care in the world. So as their friendship grew stronger, so did the flames of tension between him and his mom.

Karl knew that she was going to be mad when she found out, but he wasn't prepared for being lectured to so harshly. It was Sunday morning, just after church. He hopped into the front seat and buckled in as always, a slight smile still on his face from when he and Alex were making faces at each other from across the room. They could say nothing to each other and still laugh. They were already quite inseparable.

His mom got in as well, adjusting herself and starting to drive. She side-eyed Karl though, who barely noticed. His eyes were trained to his phone, tapping mindlessly through social medias of kids he barely talked to.

"So I've heard that you've been sneaking out of church for boys," She brought up out of the blue. Karl looked up from his phone, tensing up and turning off the screen immediately. His skin crawled with anxiety, especially so at the way that she phrased it. If he was born male, this would just be plain delinquency and rebellion. But since his mother only saw him as a girl, it was no doubt that she thought he liked Alex as... more than a friend.

Ew! Karl honestly couldn't think of anything more repulsive. Although he thought fondly of his new friend, and they were quite affectionate with one another, that didn't automatically mean that he liked him. If anything, he saw Alex as like a supportive brother to lift him up when he was down and buy him some ice cream across the street.

"F-fine, but not why you think," Karl grumbled, knowing he couldn't lie out of this one. He pouted, turning his head to stare out the window. He definitely did not want to make eye contact right now.

"What do you mean, not why I think? Do you think I'm an idiot?" His mom shot back, with way more intensity than Karl expected. His heart rate suddenly spiked, and his eyes rounded, but he didn't move. He just kept staring out the window. "I understand that you're growing older and you're having interests in boys, but you're not allowed to date until you're older, and you're certainly not allowed to sneak out of church with them!"

"I don't have an interest in him!" Karl exclaimed, not caring about her gripes with sneaking out. He understood that was wrong and there was potential that he could be caught. He accepted that the moment he stepped out of the church building with Alex the day they met.

"There's no need to lie, I will listen to everything you say."

"No, you don't." Karl was spilling over the top. He had so much courage built up inside of him that talking felt like he was spitting flames. "You don't listen to me! Just like when I tell you I'm a boy!"

"Don't be ridiculous, you turn every conversation into your fake identity." His mother said scathingly, which even made Karl wince. He hadn't talked about that part of himself for quite a while. He had been trying so hard to put on a mask for her, and yet all that time had been nothing if she thought that every conversation between them was about his gender. It was rather hurtful, actually.

"I know me more then you do!" Karl was almost begging. His face was turning red, and he couldn't decide whether that was from anger or pain or both. "You know why I'm sneaking out? Because everyone there would hate me if they knew! You know what they say about people like me! I'm just so happy to have a friend who actually cares about me!"

"Is he really your friend if all he does is just enable you?" His mom pressed on, raising an eyebrow as she continued to drive. "You know we are just trying to help you. You may feel these natural urges, but it is your duty to not act upon them, because you won't be accepted into the kingdom of God."

"God does not care if I'm a boy or a girl!" Karl cried, hitting his fist against the dashboard of the car. He felt like he was having a temper tantrum, and his body was full of nerves dangerous enough to make him want to lash out at everything in sight.

"God wants you to be how He created you, which is a beautiful young woman devoted to His word."

Karl's stomach did cartwheels, and he literally had to roll the window down and poke his face out of it. He sobbed and covered his mouth, the mixture of the cool air and his hot head creating a dizzy sensation. He couldn't even breathe well enough to respond. That wasn't him at all. Was that really how everyone saw him?

"And you will be so until you no longer live under my roof, then you can do whatever you please. But I do not and will not approve of this... gender rebellion. You were born like this and no matter how you feel or what you do, you can never change that."

"Stop... stop." Karl cried out the window, covering his face more with the paw of his sweater because he could've sworn the people sitting in other cars were staring at him.

She didn't stop. "You see, even if you were to get a sex change, that won't make you happy. You think that is the answer to your problems, but it's all trauma. It's all pain. And you can't solve that through ignoring the problem. You have to be ready to confront it."

"There's nothing wrong with me," Karl sobbed, desperate to make her stop talking. He didn't want to listen to it anymore. All she said was the same thing over and over, just worded a little differently. She was trying so hard to hammer it into his brain, but no matter how much he tried to believe her, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was just supposed to be a boy. It was wired in his psyche, and felt like the most natural part of himself. He knew it the moment that Nick told him it was possible. It just felt right.

"I'm gonna take your phone until I know I can trust you." She added, to which Karl smacked the rim of the window a few times out of pure emotion.

He was just breaking down.

"I don't care!" He screamed, but he, in fact, did care a lot. Hot tears streamed down his face and even as he took deep breaths in the fresh air he couldn't shake the light-headed feeling that consumed him. "Everyone hates me!"

"I don't hate you, I want the best for you." His mom cooed, like she wasn't crushing his heart between her fingers at this very moment. "You know, when you grow up, you'll thank me for doing this, because you'll realize that I was right."

"I'm in so much pain right now," Karl cried. "And it's not because of what happened to dad, but because of you."

That struck a nerve. The car rolled into the garage, and Karl opened the door and ran out without another word. His vision was blurry from tears and his weight dragged clumsily with every step, but he managed to make his way into his room and slam the door. He sank to the floor, his back against the wall, and he just let it all out.

He hated school. He hated church. He just wanted to be in public school like Nick and Alex, and have friends who actually respected his identity instead of talking badly behind his back. He wanted his teachers to keep his chosen name a secret to his mom rather than spilling it to anyone who might want the information and laugh at the supposed absurdity of it. He wanted religion to be off his plate. It had been there so long, every day and every night, that it was getting tiring. He would be willing to give it another chance when he wasn't surrounded by hurtful people, but at the current moment, the faith itself was just terrifying to him. It seemed like every good thing in the world was inevitably twisted to fit someone's negative agenda, and of course in this case it had to be something that could change a billion people's lives for the better.

So for Karl, his focus was on the billion people whose lives had been changed for the worse, including his own. At this point, the bad had overrun the good parts of religion, and now it was hard for him to acknowledge it in his life in any way. He just wanted to be devoid of it already, without a belief. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so terrible and guilty all the time, because all of his problems stemmed from the flowers of faith.

He sat there for a while, staring up at the ceiling until his head pounded and his cheeks felt sticky with tears. He took a deep breath, rubbing his face and then pressing his fingers against his temples. He didn't even want to imagine what his mom was thinking right now. She was probably going to come back for more, to lecture him until he crumbled, to make sure he would never fall out of line again.

Karl felt like there was a void opening up in his heart. He didn't even have the desire or the motivation to get up, so he stayed there.

Until, of course, there were footsteps in the hallway, and an inevitable knock at his door.

"I don't want to talk," Karl whined brokenly. Using his voice just made him tear up again immediately, despite feeling like he couldn't cry any more. He held his head a little tighter, hating how the ache was shaking his brain.

"I'm not done talking to you." His mom said on the other side of the door, her voice firm. Karl's hand shook, and he scooted away from the doorway, slowly turning the knob even though he didn't want to. He just wanted to get this over with so he could be alone for the rest of the day. She pushed it open, and Karl immediately got up and ran into his bed. He sat on the edge, leaning over dramatically and holding his head. His mother sat next to him, sighing and patting his back.

"Come on, you know I just want the best for you. I just want you to be happy."

"I'm not happy like this." Karl mumbled, letting the truth slip out. He sniffled hard, covering his face with the paws of his sweater.

"You think you can't be happy unless you change your gender, but that's just not true," She rubbed his back, being affectionate, but Karl couldn't help but feel sick at the touch. That was really out of character for him, since he was usually the one who initiated hugs and cuddles and found that to be his love language. It just didn't feel good right now, not after he literally had to yell at her like that. "I know you're in pain. But that's not going to make you happy. You have to face the real reasons why you're sad instead of coming up with new ones to mask it,"

"It's not a mask," Karl sighed, shaking his head. "I've felt like this for as long as I can remember. Everywhere I go people tell me I'm wrong and that my feelings don't matter." He looked up at her, pressing his lips together. "You've forced me to be in like... a bubble." He sniffled again, wiping at his eyes. "I just wish you'd listen to me."

"I do listen to you." His mom frowned. She seemed genuine, but everything she said still hurt. "I just want to help you. I promise, I've done my research and... what you're thinking about, like changing your gender and everything... it doesn't help them. They just realize the problem was something else and they try to go back but it's too late, they can't change it." She touched at his hair instead, which made him wince. "You're young. You have so long to think about this. You can do whatever you want once you're an adult and leave my house, but because you're here, I can't let you do that to yourself."

"I don't care," Karl shook his head, trying to keep himself hidden. He shivered, crying again. He did care. "I'm just tired of private school and church. No one likes me but Alex. I miss my old school."

His mother stiffened, and she paused for a second, looking deep in thought. Karl looked up at her through bleary eyesight and winced as his hair was practically pet with her hand. The silence hung in the air for way too long, which only made Karl tense up more as he waited for her response.

It was sweeter than he imagined.

"I'll think about it. But if you start using a new school as an excuse to act up, I can't let you stay."

Karl's heart soared in his chest. He was going back? Was he gonna see Nick again? And maybe Alex? All day? He sniffled, unable to contain his emotion.

He nodded. "I'll do anything." He said quietly, rubbing at his eyes. His mom pressed her lips together, seeming to take it in.

"Remember, I'm just thinking about it," She pointed out, but in Karl's head the decision had already been made.

He didn't have to hide anymore.


	5. Do You Know Any Nicks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, no cws for this chapter i believe (please tell me if any ever need one). thank you all for reading and leaving literally the sweetest comments i have ever gotten in my entire history of writing. this story is far from being over, and i have quite a lot planned for it, so please don’t fret about whether it’s going to continue or not! i have not felt this inspired by a storyline i’ve created myself in a very long time, so i’m happy that i can share this with people who are just as interested in it as i am.
> 
> also i just want to add an important note: i am not trying to demonize religion by making this story or by writing karl’s attitude towards religion so apathetically and bitterly. the purpose is to convey how religious trauma settles in lgbt kids who are forced into certain boxes because religion is often twisted to fit an anti-lgbt agenda. religion is not inherently bad. hate and intolerance of harmless identities is inherently bad.

"So, Alex," Karl finally felt that it was the right time. Although Alex was his closest friend at the moment, he still hadn't told him about Nick. Or at least, the details of him. He mentioned how he had a supportive friend when he was young, but didn't go much more in depth. Those were his most treasured memories, and the thought that sharing them might just tarnish them.

He didn't want to take that risk until now.

"Hm?" Alex responded. It was a normal Wednesday night at the church, and they sat back in big leather chairs in the lobby as they talked. The sermon wasn't going to start for a good fifteen minutes. They both liked to come here early so they'd have more time to chat. Karl didn't get to spend any time with him outside of this building, so he tried to be here as much as possible now. Not because he liked being around the others, but because Alex was the only person who made everything enjoyable for him. The moment he got home after church he would wallow in his own loneliness in his bed, drowned by blankets. Besides Alex, Karl didn't have any real friends, just people who would occasionally act sympathetic to him but then make a face when he mentioned his identity. He had been getting a little bolder with that lately, attempting to sneak into the boys' groups instead . He was always kicked out, but Alex defended him relentlessly and smiled at him on the way out. They were probably the most hated in the building by now, but Karl didn't care. He was developing an apathy towards religion, and the people in the building. They were probably all brainwashed anyway, just like he had been when he was first forced to go here.

Karl smiled, his face flooding with warmth as he thought about Nick. He hadn't talked about him to anyone for years. It was going to feel so good to get this off his chest.

"Remember when I told you I had a friend as a kid who understood me like you do?"

Alex glanced up from his hand, looking interested. "Yeah,"

Karl sighed, making careful eye contact even though sometimes that was the hardest thing for him to do. He was just so excited to see his reaction when he gushed. "His name is Nick." He had to shift his gaze. "We were best friends all throughout my youngest days. He told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, including a boy, like him. His parents... they were the best. The sweetest people I've ever met. Sometimes I wish they were my parents instead of my own," He paused, cringing for a moment as he wrung out his hands in a nervous habit. But Alex was watching in intent, listening hard. It only made Karl more excited to continue.

"They supported Nick, but when I told my mom that he changed his name and I wanted to do the same, she started to treat me different. She got mad at me and said hurtful things. And even when she started to force me to come here, I knew it in the back of my mind. Even when I pretended." Karl took a deep breath. "She told me I couldn't see him anymore, and then a year later she took me out of public school. That's why she sent me to private school. Because of him." He paused, feeling quite emotional. His eyes got a little watery, to which he wiped them with his sleeve. "I don't have much of him, just a couple yearbooks with his handwriting in it and a bandana he gave me to match his own. But the memories we made... even though it was so long ago, some of the earliest things I remember were with him." He looked back to Alex anxiously, searching his face for his reaction.

His friend softened up. They both were quiet for a bit, and it seemed like Alex was just taking in the information.

Karl realized he probably didn't know what to say after all that, so he decided to proceed it himself. "I haven't told anyone about him, really. Besides my mom when we were still able to see each other." He smiled, sniffling and rubbing at his eyes tiredly. He didn't want to cry. "Do you... know any Nicks?"

Alex hummed, nodding at that briefly before he answered, "Yeah, I know a bunch of them. What's he look like?"

Karl felt himself physically light up at the question. "He had brown hair and brown eyes, and his favorite thing to wear was a white bandana around his head." His voice trembled as he spoke. The excitement of knowing that Nick was still out there in the world was tearing him apart.

Alex smirked. "I can't say I know anyone who dresses like that. And literally every Nick I know has brown hair. What's his last name?"

"Armstrong," Karl said, without hesitation. He remembered the days he would spend skimming the pages over and over, searching for his name in the listings.

"I don't know," Alex sighed dramatically, but he still seemed positive. "I only know one's last name anyway. I wouldn't rule it out that he goes to my high school."

"I'm sure he does," Karl breathed, his heart fluttering when he thought about it. He had been begging his mom to let him switch schools for months, and he was starting to think he was actually getting to her. His anticipation for the next school year was at an all time high, now that he was free of work and the summer sun baked the earth at all daylight hours. Every time he'd mention a new school his mother would pause, like she had to think about it really hard. He hoped she would listen, because he knew he would fit in so much easier in a non-religious school where people wouldn't shun him for being a little out of the box. And he wished to see Nick again. A world where they reunited was one of perfection. His stomach suddenly felt like it was full of butterflies.

"Do you think your mom's gonna let you go?" Alex asked, reading his mind. Karl shrugged, playing with his hair a bit.

"I think so. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but it seems like it's a yes right now." He smiled. "She doesn't argue me anymore when I bring it up."

"Good," Alex looked away, seeming happily distracted. "It'll be so much better with you there."

Karl almost wanted him to elaborate on why it wasn’t already the best place in the world, but he kept his mouth shut. His heart was racing too much at all of the thoughts he had been brewing, and he needed to take a breather.

And of course, that was exactly when people started to funnel into the main room, and their fifteen minutes were up.

Karl was lovesick the whole lesson.

❀ ❀ ❀

"Yes, I have been thinking." His mother started, making her way around the kitchen as she prepared dinner. Karl sat slumped at the table, but he perked up once her words registered. He was immediately jumping to conclusions, knowing this was probably about his requests.

She looked to him for a moment and quickly confirmed his suspicions. "I'm gonna let you go back to public school this year."

"Really?" Karl gasped immediately, sitting up more and making the biggest eyes he could muster. His body filled with an uncontrollable amount of energy, in which he responded to by shaking his hands around a bit and even hitting them against the table lightly to hear that satisfying _thunk_ noise under his fists. His mom gave him a look that was somehow in between amusement and disgust.

"You're old enough to handle public high school, aren't you?" She asked, and Karl couldn't help but feel like she was challenging his maturity after he had just hit the table like that. He slunk back in shame, color filling his face.

"Yeah," He murmured.

She hummed and turned away, attending to the food sizzling in the pan she had on the stove. "I've also decided to let you choose which day you want to attend church."

Karl wanted to squeal with excitement. He shook his hands again, beaming at her. He had made it painfully clear to her how much pain the constant church visits were causing him. She probably knew that he was going to choose the Wednesday nights, because he would be with Alex. Over time she cooled off about his friend, and wasn't constantly grilling him over their relationship. It was probably just weird for her to hear that Karl had a real friend again, and even though she knew that he saw himself as a boy, it was probably harder for her to accept that he had a male friend. She was just on a completely different wavelength than him; Karl just wanted her to come to reality. It was starting to settle in her head now that her son wasn't going to shut up about being a boy, and that she was just going to have to learn to deal with it. She still gave him lectures about how transitioning won't solve his problems and how God won't accept him if he changed his gender and all that nonsense, but it didn't do anything to him now because he knew it wasn't true. Even on the days he slipped he would confide in Alex the next time he saw him and he would be reassured that she was lying to him in a futile attempt to change him.

Karl was sick of pretending to be someone else. Now that he had Alex at his side to hype him up as his true self, he had never felt more comfortable expressing it. He just wished that acceptance would come from every corner of his life, especially the one that he spent the most time at: his house.

He looked at his mom fondly, emotion bubbling up behind his eyelids. "Wednesdays," He said, without hesitation.

To that, she simply nodded. "I figured that was what you wanted."

They sat in silence for a while, and Karl felt like he couldn't breathe. But it was in a good way, where the dizziness was caused by a positive adrenaline overdose. He had to hang his head as he sat at the table, his brain full of static. He was going to return to public school? Really? He trembled even, unable to believe it. All he had to do was beg for it, make her listen, and now he was reaching his goal. He was sick and tired of having so many restrictions weighing him down everywhere he went in the world. He was ready to just let it drop to the ground and roam free.

Yeah, sure, he would still have to go to church on Wednesdays, but it was still one step closer to living the dream.

It would already feel like a dream to walk into public school after being isolated from everyone for so long. All the kids he would meet in that private school had dull eyes and fake attitudes, and he learned that literally everyone talked about him behind their backs. Sure, there might be some people like that in the new school, but at least they wouldn't be brainwashed and constantly fed the same agenda every day to give them excuses to turn up their noses whenever Karl walked by. To his knowledge, public schools often embraced students who were LGBT, and many have formed clubs and support groups for them. He hoped he could attend one without making his mother suspicious. He could probably come up with an easy excuse when he gets to it.

His mom approached him, carefully placing a plate of food down in front of him. Karl's stomach growled, and it didn't register until then just how hungry he was. He was going to devour the whole dish.

She looked at him admiringly as he cleaned his plate with ease. She knew how much her cooking was worth, because Karl reminded her every day she made something.

"I'm glad I can see you happy. Is there anything else you need to talk to me about?"

There were so many things that Karl wanted to mention, but he just shook his head. He was going to have to take baby steps if he wanted her to accept him one day.


	6. What Are You Waiting For?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! i literally can’t stop writing this story so maybe expect to see more quick updates! :) i’m also thinking of rebooting a dreamnotnap fanfiction i tried to write a few months ago and then discontinued for personal reasons, so maybe be on the lookout for that eventually? but this one, i’m so obsessed with this one for some reason. it’s so self-indulgent and writing it comes naturally. even if i don’t have an ending planned and i’m just winging it as i go along, this is the farthest i’ve written any story in a couple years, so i’m quite proud of it. thank you all again for reading and leaving sweet comments, it makes my day!
> 
> no cws for this chapter! just some nice stuff :)

The day was finally here. Karl drew his backpack up over his shoulders for the last time that he would before he left his house for the first day of his new school, and he went to put his empty cereal bowl in the sink. Immediately after he raced around the first floor, searching for his mom again since she seemed to disappear at the most important times. He found her in the dining room, and quickly lurched to catch her in the tightest hug.

"Bye, momma, I need to go now!"

"Bye, stay safe," She hugged him for longer than usual, and kissed his head right before he pulled away. Karl just smiled though, skipping to the door. He was never one to reject affections, especially from his mother. No matter what her stance was on his beliefs, or how hostile she could get towards him when he stood up to her, he always forgave easily and treasured every moment they shared close together. Sometimes he wished he wasn't like that, but he had to admit that if he pushed her even more away than he already had then he would have no one in his life to confide to except for Alex on Wednesday nights.

Or, now, for five days of the week?

To be honest, the fact that this was all really happening was not processing in Karl's head. It was like he had been waiting for it so long that now that it was finally here he couldn't believe it. He was excited, but couldn't help but feel like he was being tricked somehow. Like he was going to sit up at any moment in his bed and realize that the last couple of months have just been one very elaborate dream.

But as he closed the door behind him, the warm morning sun on his skin assured him that this was reality. He beamed with satisfaction, skipping onto the sidewalk and making his way towards the bus stop around the block. He wasn't used to this; usually his mom had to drive him to school every morning and drop him off. In the middle of his walk, he untangled his earbuds from his pocket and plugged them into his phone, putting on something sweet to listen to. Chill music, composed of soft instruments and lo-fi beats. He found himself stepping to the tempo of the music. He was at peace.

Karl finally arrived at the bus stop, and he stood there with round eyes, curiously looking at a couple of the new faces that accompanied him. Nothing really stood out about them, besides the fact that they were unfamiliar. He was sure he memorized every single person at that private school regardless of how much he talked to them.

He frowned, nervously running a hand through his hair. He finally got it cut again after begging incessantly for it around his birthday. He remembered saying that he would've been satisfied even if that was the only present he got all year. It wasn't, but it was possibly still the highlight.

Eventually more people came up to the bus stop, rubbing at their sleepy eyes and tapping mindlessly on their phones. Karl checked his phone as well, but of course there was nothing new there, because it was early in the morning and that wasn't exactly the time for anyone to post. The bus soon rolled up to the curb though, and everyone stepped inside. Karl went in last, making round eyes at every seat as he passed them. He found an empty one in the middle and shoved himself against the window, putting his backpack in his lap and staring outside. He hoped no one would sit next to him, at least for now. Although he was excited, obviously, he still didn't really feel like he could trust anyone until he was around Alex. He was told to meet him at "one of the small tables in the hallway before the lunchroom," whatever that meant.

The bus stopped at the school, and Karl got up, waiting for most people behind him to weave their way past the seats before he threw himself into the mix. He managed to get out through the front doors, and he stretched for a moment, just disoriented from the drive. He followed the crowd into the building, and immediately had to look for a map. He stared at one mounted on the wall for a while, unable to decipher it when he wasn't actually walking across the floor plan at the same time. Eventually he decided to give up on trying to make a route in his head, and he just walked towards the lunchroom. He made circles around it, searching for whatever table Alex mentioned the other day.

Finally, he saw a small table in a big hallway that was connected to the lunchroom. Sat there was a familiar boy with a dark gray beanie on, looking focused as he typed away at his school-issued Chromebook. Karl beamed, racing up to where Alex was and immediately sitting across from him, throwing his backpack on the table next to the electronic. "Alex!" He exclaimed, to which his friend looked up with big, excited eyes.

"Karl!" They couldn't hug from across the table, but Karl reached out for him anyway, unable to contain his happiness. Alex laughed, grabbing ahold of his hands and swinging him a little. "You found me,"

"I did!" Karl grinned, pulling away and squirming in his seat. He felt like he was just going to explode from how much energy he had pent up inside. He needed to take it out on something eventually.

"How long did it take?" Alex joked, and Karl pouted at him.

"Not long..." He grumbled, zipping open his backpack and looking for his schedule in his mess of folders. "What classes do you have?"

"Um... I'm not sure, lemme see," Alex took his paper out faster than Karl could find his, but eventually they were holding them next to each other and comparing the names.

They both frowned in unison.

"Dangit," Karl groaned, scooting to get a closer look. "Only lunch?"

"Only lunch," Alex sighed, pulling his paper away and sitting back in his chair. "Sorry Karl,"

"Makes sense though, I mean you are a grade above me." Karl mumbled, but he had to admit, that was pretty disappointing. He was just going to have to make friends in other classes, otherwise he was going to be very lonely.

He was sure that was going to be easier than it was at the private school.

"Hey man, people are gonna love you." Alex smirked. "You're one of the kindest and funniest guys I've ever met."

"Do you really mean that?" Karl practically gasped, making big eyes at him. Hearing that immediately warmed his heart. There was nothing he wanted to be more than a ray of sunshine to the people around him, a breath of fresh air. Knowing that Alex felt the same way to him that he felt towards the other was so relieving. It was clear that the two were close friends, but Karl was a sucker for assurance, especially when he had been let down so many times in his life.

"Of course I do." Alex scoffed, and Karl had to believe him, because he would believe anything he said no matter how much he doubted it sometimes.

"I could say the same thing to you!"

"You see, that's exactly why you're the kindest." Alex smirked, and Karl's heart felt full. He wanted to literally tackle him with a hug. Their love languages clashed a little bit; Alex wasn't as much of a fan of physical touch as Karl was. They could just talk like this and he would be satisfied for a while. Karl, on the other hand, craved to be close to his favorite people, both physically and emotionally. It kind of stung when Alex had to tell him to back off, but he respected his boundaries. He wondered if he'd have a friend he could snuggle with aggressively at the tables without hesitation.

He blinked, remembering someone. Who he was kind of here for.

He sat up more, looking around the hallway curiously. He inspected every table, as if he expected to see that person just sitting around.

He couldn't find him.

"What're you looking for?" Alex piped up.

"Nick," Karl answered quickly. He had no shame in talking about that boy anymore. He wanted to see his face again so bad. The thought of never seeing him again after waiting all this time was horrifying.

"Ah," Alex giggled, getting comfy in his seat. "Don't worry, you'll see him eventually."

"How do you know?" Karl said, still searching. He couldn't help it.

"Come on, you're meaning to tell me he's not here when you said he lives like a couple blocks from the school? His parents aren't crazy like your mom, y'know?"

"Yeah, you're right," Karl sighed. He finally relaxed in his seat, leaning back and then stretching his arms out. "I'll see him sooner or later." He felt his face go hot. He felt like he was in a fairytale book and it was just about to reach the climax. He was going to see Nick again, his childhood best friend, his long lost prince.

Karl wished his thoughts about him weren't so... romantically charged, but as years passed, his daydreams mostly consisted of the two of them together again, hands fit together and gazes locked in glee. It was obvious that he was just so lonely that he was conjuring these thoughts up out of desperation. Alex was cool, but Karl couldn't see him as a partner. And although the idea of meeting someone random at this school and letting romance blossom between them was sort of nice, the alternative of seeing Nick again and feeling like it was mending two shattered hearts was so much better. He remembered how they sat in their old school's park together, talking about getting married and sharing a last name.

It was just too specific to be a coincidence, wasn't it? Or was Karl just over-exaggerating a very close friendship?

Either way, he couldn't help but reminisce over those moments they spent together and think more of them. Would Nick still like him like that when they finally reunited? God, or would he be taken by someone else already, replaced before Karl could even return to him?

Karl's heart felt like it dropped like a stone in his chest. He was going through so many emotions in the span of minutes that Alex couldn't help but look at him questioningly. He brought his mind back to reality, and caught the gaze of his perplexed friend. "Huh?" He asked, still out of it.

"You're blushing so hard, man." Alex snickered simply, looking back to his screen. He seemed to be really focused on something there.

"Shut up, nimrod," Karl grumbled, practically draping himself over the table to try and look at what was on the Chromebook. "And what are you doing?"

"Fuckin' cookie clicker," Alex muttered, before bursting into laughter. He was obviously embarrassed about it. Karl laughed along, but he wasn't seriously making fun of him.

"Hold on, hold on, lemme join you." Karl went to rip out his own Chromebook and pull up the same website. "God, I haven't played this in so long."

"You're gonna be miles behind me," Alex teased.

"You think I care? Imma do my best anyway," Karl didn't realize how harsh that first line sounded until it was already coming from his mouth. As if it was on command, the both of them immediately resorted to cackling their lungs out at what he said. It didn't need explanation. Their souls vibrated on the same wavelength.

❀ ❀ ❀

Karl fit in nicely. He talked to a couple new people in some of his classes already, and was now sitting with Alex at the lunch table with his friend Floris. The new guy was interesting; he was sort of a genius but also the most sarcastic person Karl had ever met. He had a silver streak in his hair too, which somehow gave him even more personality. He was extremely quirky, and him and Karl quickly warmed up to one another. And although he was very happy just to be talking to these two, he couldn’t help but wonder where his childhood best friend went. He kept searching the tables around them in between bites of his school-issued sandwich that actually didn’t taste as bad as he heard.

They just chilled out at their table for a while, and it was nice to have a break from all the hectic first-day-of-school things. And it stayed calm aside from the occasional laughter, until Karl noticed something.

Or... someone. He squinted as he stared off at a distant table, noticing the side profile of a boy who just looked so alluring. He softened, watching with no distractions as the mentioned boy talked to his friends and smiled with white teeth.

He had dark brown, almost black hair, cut in a familiar way. He wore a black hoodie with a white t-shirt over it, which actually looked a lot better than Karl would’ve liked to admit. Noticeable stubble trailed over his jaw and there was a slit in one of his eyebrows.

Holy honk. Karl felt like he was about to faint. Not only was the boy attractive, but he knew without a doubt that was his Nick.

His heart started to pound in his chest with a powerful force. He made himself look away, taking a nervous glance at Alex and Floris. They were deep in their own discussion, but paused when they noticed the ghostly look on Karl’s face.

“What’s wrong, man?” Alex huffed, not being too playful about it. He was probably saying it like that to make sure it wasn’t serious.

“Nick...” Was all Karl breathed, and then looked back in the direction of the boy. It felt like there was a spotlight on him, since Karl’s eyes picked him out from the crowd so easily. He was absentminded and laid-back, lifting his phone to look at something. He would occasionally open his mouth to add to the conversation that was brewing amongst his own table.

Karl shivered, and he immediately felt a nudge at his shoulder. “C’mon, what are you waiting for? He’s right there!” Alex encouraged.

Floris was squinting into the distance, adjusting his glasses. “That Nick? Nick Armstrong?”

Karl felt dizzy. He put his hand to his mouth when he heard Floris say that, his heart rate quickening impossibly. He was at a loss for words for a while, and he just trembled in his spot. “Oh my god,” He finally sobbed, yanking his backpack close and digging in it to pull out the white bandana he had stuffed into the back of it earlier that morning. With shaky, uncontrollable hands, he started to fold it into a shape he could wrap around his head. He knew that Alex, Floris, and possibly more people were staring, but he didn’t care. He was going to keep his promise. Of course he remembered, even after all this time. Nick’s words revolved around his head at all waking moments and sometimes even his sleeping moments.

He gave Karl a reason to be excited even when he was in the private school alone.

After it was tied, he tried to hide his face but turn his back toward his friends, all the while demanding through a horrid stutter. “I-I-I- does-does this look good, did I t-tie it right?”

All he heard were hums of approval and he turned his head to make big eyes at them while they nodded.

“You look great, Karl Jacobs.” There was a teasing hint in Alex’s voice, which he didn’t mind, but at the same time, it was painful how serious this was to Karl. When he stood up, all the blood rushed to his head, and he felt dizzy again.

What if it wasn’t like he had hoped for all this time? What if he changed? What if he didn’t like Karl anymore?

Somehow it was quick for him to dismiss those thoughts and fill his lungs with a breath of new, fresh air.

He had been waiting for this moment ever since the two of them took separate paths in the elementary school hallway.

Finally, Karl’s legs moved to take him to the table where Nick sat, and he swallowed a couple times in attempt to remove the knot that was tying itself in his throat. He had rehearsed this scene so many times in his head when he was alone and able to fantasize about it, but once he was actually standing next to his chair and he watched as everyone at the table glanced up at him questioningly, his mind went blank. He was suddenly staring into Nick’s eyes, too. Their gazes colliding felt like a wrestle between the sun and moon. Karl didn’t even have to say anything before he saw flickers of recognition spark in his reflection.

“H-hi,” He said quietly, barely audible to anyone but Nick. And even he would probably have to focus hard to listen to that, because Karl’s lungs felt deflated.

“Karl,” He heard whisper back, and he couldn’t help but literally collapse himself into his arms on his lap, finally at peace.


	7. It Was Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally couldn’t stop writing, i made this all today. so i guess here’s an extra chapter?? two in one pog? i don’t know i just have crazy motivation for this story. here you go, eat up

"Nick," Karl immediately sobbed, balling his hands up in Nick's shirt and shoving his face into his shoulder. He was almost scared for a moment that his affections wouldn't be reciprocated, but he melted into Nick's touch more when he felt his arms wrap around his body and squeeze him tightly.

"Shh," Nick sighed softly, his breath so close. His hand rubbed over his back, which sent shivers through Karl's spine. Karl couldn’t help but yank him closer, knowing he was soaking his sweatshirt with his tears, but he was sure that Nick wouldn’t mind. Not when he was talking to him in that voice.

“Oh, Karl.” Nick said quietly. They still showed no sign of wanting to break apart. Karl felt gazes boring into his back but he didn’t care. Nick was in his arms, he was holding him as tight as he could manage, he was breathing him in.

_Nick, Nick, Nick._

“I-I missed you so much,” Karl sniffled hard, finally lifting his head and looking at him again with bleary eyes. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

“I can only imagine,” Nick breathed, slowly sliding his hands away from around his back and finding Karl’s hands to squeeze them gently. The way they touched each other came natural, but also felt so intimate. It made Karl’s heart skip beats as it pounded in his chest.

“I missed you too,” Nick whispered, and Karl practically watched flames flicker in his dark eyes. He was so handsome; it was almost painful to notice that he was going through with his transition while Karl had been left alone to go through female puberty. His cries were undermined by his mom. He remembered the first time he looked in the mirror and realized that it was going to happen whether he wanted it to or not, and that he was going to despise the body that stared back at him for years. Nick was so lucky. He deserved it, of course, but Karl couldn’t help but feel jealous. Nick was sitting here, looking like a god, while Karl probably looked like a little kid, with his color-block hoodie and fluffy hair.

“You look so good,” Karl murmured, not afraid to say that to him. He took the time to admire the features of his face and compare it to the yearbook pictures of Nick that he had engraved in his mind ever since they were separated. It was so similar, yet so different at the same time. Like he mentioned, he literally had stubble peppered across his jaw, and he looked more masculinized, and God, his voice. He melted whenever he said even the simplest of words already. Yeah, it was obvious that he had been harboring feelings for him this entire time, and now that he was right in front of him, they were blowing up even more.

He just wondered if this reciprocation of affections was Nick’s way of showing him that he felt the same, or if this was all just supposed to be a platonic exchange.

Either way, Karl didn’t care, at least for now. He was more than grateful to have Nick back in his life, and he could be happy with just that forever.

“Thank you,” Nick smiled brightly, and he glanced a bit over Karl as well, which made him blush impossibly more. “You do too, Karl.”

This felt like a dream. It suddenly sunk in that he was sitting in Nick’s lap while they stared at each other, so with a shy laugh, especially so at the compliment, he shifted off and awkwardly stood up next to the table. He turned and looked at the other kids with big eyes, and they were all staring at the two of them with smirks on their faces.

“Okay, so this is the Karl you wouldn’t shut up about?” One of them spoke up, who was a boy with curly hair and a surprisingly British accent. Wait... there were two guys there who looked astoundingly similar. One of them just had round glasses and his face close to a book.

“Oh, be quiet,” Nick laughed, which was so contagious. Karl giggled a bit, even though he had no context of the situation. It warmed his heart to know that Nick had talked about him all this time. “Yes, he is.”

“Hi,” Karl said quietly, noticing that the boy who sat to his left was stretching and dragging an empty chair over in between him and Nick. He had a similar aesthetic to Karl actually, wearing a sweater with a white collar from his shirt poking out.

“Hi!” The curly-haired, non-glasses-wearer waved back at him with an enthusiastic smile. “I’m Alastair.”

“Nice to meet you,” Karl stammered, carefully sitting down in the seat once it was pulled up to the table, and now he was getting a better look at everybody at their level.

“I’m Clay,” Said a tall boy who sat next to the one with the blue sweater. He had golden brownish, almost dusty blond hair, and his skin was littered with dark freckles.

“‘M George,” The boy with the blue sweater mumbled, staring at Karl almost with a look of curiosity. With a closer look, Karl noticed that Clay and George were pretty close, like hand-on-the- shoulder gentle-nuzzle-against-the-head kind of close. They were cute. Probably dating.

But then they could probably say the same thing about Karl and Nick when they embraced.

Maybe that was something he did want to be true, though.

They were quiet for a few moments, then suddenly Karl noticed Alastair nudge the other curly-haired kid. He looked up from his book in alarm, and pushed his glasses up to his face. “I, uh, my name is Wilbur, hi.”

“Nice to meet you all,” Karl chuckled, but couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed. He wasn’t used to meeting so many people all at once, and when he did in the rare occasion, it usually didn’t have good energy attached to it because more often than not it was a group of girls surrounding him at the private school. They always made him so uncomfortable. But this was different; they were all boys, and they all seemed to be accepting the fact that his name didn’t match his voice and he presented a little feminine. In fact, he noticed that Alastair was wearing dark nail polish on his fingers. They just had the sort of vibes that resonated with Karl, and for that, he was grateful that Nick was friends with them instead of the usual boys he had seen at his old school.

“What are your pronouns?” Alastair suddenly piped up, which Karl didn’t know whether to feel happy or pained about. He was happy because it was obviously an LGBT friendly zone, but he also wanted it to be clear that he was a boy at first glance. That was something he had been struggling with all throughout his life, was being disbelieved by others because he presented too feminine.

He took a deep breath though, and smiled. He chose to feel happier about this, as he answered, “He him only, please.”

“Cool! I use all of them.” Alastair said, with a playful smirk.

Karl tipped his head, curious. “All of them? Like, all?”

“Yeah, anything, I don’t care.” Alastair shrugged. “He, she, they, anything.”

“That’s so cool,” Karl whispered, wondering how it was possible to feel like that. He wasn’t about to undermine their feelings, but for him it was hard to believe that anyone could be so flexible with their identity because he had been rigid in his own ever since he realized what he was. He glanced over to Nick, who was smiling as well.

“Leave it up to Alastair to teach everyone at the table new things.” He said, then hummed for a moment. “She’s like an LGBT teacher. He knows everything.”

Alastair laughed, to which Karl smiled at as well. “Well, I sure try my best.”

“The LGBT teacher, the wingman, the mom friend,” Clay joined in, tapping his fingers with each thing he listed off. “That’s Alastair.”

“I’m so honored,” Alastair was beaming. It seemed like she took great pride in being all those things to the friend group. Being here, surrounded by these people, it just felt right to Karl. He hoped he would fit in just as easily and make a positive impact on them just like Alastair did.

“We need like an introduction of everyone now,” Nick leaned a bit over the table. Karl couldn’t help but stare at him for a moment, just enamored by how pretty he looked doing the simplest things.

“Okay, okay, I’ll go next.” Clay offered himself so quickly with a smirk, as if he was eager to do exactly that. “As I said, I’m Clay, I play a lot of games and a lot of sports, and I’m dating this massive idiot,” He nudged George, who rolled his eyes and scoffed at him playfully.

“Shut up, we all know you’re the bigger idiot here.” The shorter boy retorted, to which Karl couldn’t help but giggle at his attitude. “I play games and I want to do computer science stuff.”

Karl nodded, just listening happily. Nick suddenly smiled and looked to him, admiration sparkling in his eyes. “As for me, you haven’t seen me in forever, so honestly a lot has changed. Obviously, I’m on testosterone now, I literally just started on my birthday. For some stupid reason our state doesn’t let anyone get hormones until we’re over fifteen so I had to take blockers until then. Everyone just thinks I’m a late bloomer though, and to a lot of people in this school, I’m stealth. I wouldn’t care if people knew though. Like these guys.” He smiled as he glanced to the others for a moment. “I play football with Clay and play games with everyone. We all like Minecraft.” He laughed, his voice like honey syrup. “When I say it like that, it sounds pathetic, but trust me, the game’s great and we’re all totally badass.”

“I might just have to get the game to play with you all,” Karl brought up, since games seemed to be a recurring theme in this group. Everyone seemed to light up at that, nodding with enthusiasm.

“We’d love for you to join us, Karl, we have a lot of really fun gaming sessions together.” Alastair said kindly.

“Yeah, like- like the time we all played bedwars and targeted George because he’s colorblind,” Clay suddenly chimed in, and most people laughed, seeming to know exactly what situation he brought up. His louder laugh was interesting, comparable to that of a tea kettle. George was groaning in annoyance and elbowing him as if it would make him stop.

“You are so annoying.”

“You love me.”

“I hate you,” George grumbled, and Clay suddenly yanked him closer, seeming to mumble playful things while he kissed at his dark hair. Karl smiled, finding it absolutely adorable, but a part of him couldn’t help but long for that type of affection. He looked back to Nick, noting the roundness of his eyes.

He wondered if he felt the same. He hadn’t mentioned a partner.

“But yeah, we’re a simple group, really. Most of us are gay as fuck and we’re nerds who like games, except for Clay and Nick, because you both are slightly less nerds than the rest of us.” Alastair explained, to which Karl nodded. He couldn’t help but notice that Wilbur was really quiet. He seemed way more immersed in the book than he was interested in the real world.

Of course, as if Karl’s staring was a cue, the boy was nudged by Alastair, and he looked up with big eyes.

“Introduction, Wilbur,” She literally had to remind him, with made him huff and wrinkle his nose slightly.

“Aight, I’m Wilbur, I like music and reading and writing and shit,” He shrugged, seeming to already have run out of things to say. “Sorry if I don’t say a lot I just like listening to these crazy people most of the time.”

“Oh, you don’t mean that,” Alastair seemed to tease, to which Wilbur rolled his eyes again.

“I don’t.” He said defeatedly, then finally smiled with white teeth. “I love all these guys. It’s cool to meet you, Karl.”

Wilbur just seemed like the type of guy who was more mysterious but surprisingly laid-back. Karl felt a little better hearing the genuineness in his voice. “Great to meet you as well,” He said softly, hoping he wasn’t just saying the same thing over and over again, but it wasn’t like he had much choice when Wilbur was saying it to his face.

“Alright, it’s your turn,” Nick looked at Karl expectantly, his eyes a little hooded and pretty. He made intense eye contact for a second before he looked away and literally had to take a deep breath, feeling like he was overheating just from the single glance.

“Uhhh, I’m Karl, I’m kinda into photography and video recording but haven’t had the opportunity to try it really, Nick and I were friends in elementary school, I was sort of forced to go to a private school for a few years, but now I’m back and yeah,”

Well that was awkward. Nick looked simultaneously surprised and unsurprised when he heard about the school switch.

“Forced?” Alastair suddenly asked, looking concerned.

“Yeah,” Karl awkwardly scratched at his neck. “For like... four years? Five?”

“Jesus,” Alastair breathed. “And you didn’t want to? I’m so sorry,”

“It’s okay,” Karl reassured, but it wasn’t. He looked to Nick again, noticing the sad look on his face. “Hm?”

“I can’t believe that we missed out on so many years we could’ve spent together just because your mom is a nutcase.” He muttered, then immediately grinned, like he said something he wasn’t supposed to. “If I can say that.”

“You can,” Karl sighed, making a sideways smile. “She took me out because she thought that you and the teachers were going to encourage my “behavior” of being trans and “enable” me.” He made quotation marks with his fingers for a couple of the words for emphasis. “She made me go to church for two days a week for years. Now it’s just one day, but it’s still more than I’d like.”

“She’s worse than I thought.” Nick snorted, seeming amused with the audacity of it all. When Karl said it out loud, his mother sounded absolutely insane. But he knew that she loved him, even though it seemed like most of the time she was working against him. She was going to have to come to terms with his identity sooner or later, whether that started now, or when he’s out on his own and taking hormones.

“I think I’m slowly getting to her now, especially now that I’m going here and not that hell-hole that was private school.” Karl explained. “That place was awful. I don’t think I could name a single person that went to that school that is anything like any of you guys. They were like... zombies.”

“I think the point of sending you there was making an attempt to brainwash you.” Nick said easily, staring at his own hands. “Y’know, when you’re surrounded by people who think and act the exact same way, it’s hard to form your own opinion. It’s all just an echo chamber.”

“I see we’ve got Nick being all intellectual now, huh?” Clay teased.

Nick simply shrugged. “I’ve literally had to think of all the possibilities that Karl was going through without me, and not going to lie, it hurt a lot. And I did so much research online wondering if there was any way I could ever see him again, or if he did return to me, if he would ever be the same.” He paused, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat a little like he was pushing down his emotions. He glanced back to Karl, scooting his chair a little closer. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I am now.” Karl said quietly, staring into his eyes for a little too long. They were just so deep and infinite, reassuring and calming. Like the tranquil waters of the pond they visited together once, when their mothers actually got along and they were allowed to play together. They both had long hair, but they splashed in the puddles around them like little rambunctious boys. Karl wondered how his mom never saw it coming, how she tried to ignore his fate even when it peeked out at around every corner or even stood right in front of her face for her to see, clear as day.

Suddenly Nick’s hand reached forward, and Karl’s heart rate quickened, but then he realized that he was tugging the bandana up on his forehead.

Nick beamed. “It was falling.”

Karl lit up, and giggled with glee. He felt a rush of youthful euphoria race through his body, and he wished to just drag Nick outside and wrestle in the grass with him like they were kids. He missed those moments more than anything, and the fact that they could’ve had so many more in the past few years but was prevented from doing so by his own family made it feel like there was a void in his heart that could never be mended.

But since Nick was right in front of him, he knew that the broken pieces were finally starting to fit back together.

He wondered if Nick felt the same way; like their relationship had been robbed.

But he was determined to fix what had been broken, even if it was never his fault in the first place.

They talked about random things for a few more minutes, easily coming together as one friend group. Karl didn’t have much experience with those, but he figured he fit in quite nicely. These new kids seemed delighted and even excited to meet him, and before the bell rang he managed to get Nick and Alastair’s social medias. He was sure he would get more eventually, but everyone at the table seemed to be caught up in their own discussions amongst one another, their own worlds, and probably didn’t realize that Karl was exchanging usernames with everyone.

He didn’t really have the time to grab everyone’s, anyways, because the bell rang just as Alastair finished typing in their username and made Karl follow her.

“Talk to you later, it’s great to finally meet you,” Alastair beamed, pulling his backpack strap over their shoulder and nodding to everyone before walking off.

“Yeah, see you later, Karl,” Clay added, while George simply made a little wave as they walked off together, side-by-side. The height difference was really cute, actually. Karl couldn’t help but watch them for a few moments, feeling jealousy boil deep in his gut.

He turned around, and lastly, there was Nick. It seemed that Wilbur had just snuck away without saying anything, which seemed to be typical of him. It was just the two of them now, and Karl couldn’t help but nervously shuffle his feet.

Nick suddenly pulled him into a hug, and Karl couldn’t lie, it was really nice while they were standing, as well. He had to wrap his arms around the other’s waist because Nick had reached up to hug him like it was an instinct. That was usually how Karl hugged others, but he didn’t mind it like this. In fact, it felt really nice. A flock of butterflies exploded in his stomach as he closed his eyes and just held him for a few moments. It wasn’t as long as the first hug they had, but just as satisfying. When Nick pulled away, they were both staring into each other’s eyes again.

“Missed you so much.” Nick said first, surprisingly.

“I missed you more than you could ever think of.” Karl retorted, smiling.

“You’re never going to lose me ever ever again,” Nick suddenly said rather seriously, which sounded like a firm promise.

“I don’t ever want to.” Was all Karl could say in response to that. The butterflies were fluttering in his organs and making him shudder with emotion. It all just felt so meaningful, every moment they shared under this roof so far.

“Good. You’re strong, Karl.” Nick patted his shoulder, then started to step away now. They both knew they needed to get going fast or they were going to be late to their next classes. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Actually, text me.”

“I will,” Karl responded, taking smaller steps backward as Nick got further away from him. “See you,” Eventually he was out of sight, and Karl was just standing there, speechless as he held his backpack strap in his hand.

Suddenly there was a presence at his side, which made him squeak and nearly jump in surprise. Alex was there, looking at him with the biggest grin on his face.

“My god, dude, are you whipped?”

It really was that obvious, wasn’t it?


	8. I Will Always Be Here for You

The school bell blared over the intercom, and Karl frowned anxiously as he glanced at his schedule again. His last class was gym, which was one of his least favorites. He heard that there can be accommodations for transgender students who were uncomfortable or unsafe to use the other changing rooms, but it was still scary for him to have to ask. His entire day was spent correcting teachers or quickly informing them before class even started, which was tiring, but at least they actually listened and continued to call him Karl unlike his old teachers at the private school.

He got up and pulled his backpack over his shoulders, looking to the schedule and then the paper map and back again until he had an idea of where he was supposed to go. Then he began to follow the mental path he just drew up, searching the hallways for any familiar faces as he went. He had passed Wilbur in the hallway and he shared history class with George, which was exciting. He hadn't really been in a class with someone he genuinely liked in probably years. And George had an interesting personality; he seemed like the type to be quiet until someone leads him into opening up, which was completely understandable. Karl would be willing to rant to him to the end of time as long as it meant George was more comfortable. That was exactly what they did when they sat together. Karl just talked about anything and everything that popped into his head while George listened thoughtfully with his head rested on his hand.

He could tell they were gonna be very good friends.

Karl was so distracted by his thoughts of his day so far that he barely processed approaching the gymnasium. Once he did, he peeked inside, frowning when no one was in there. Was he really going to have to search around for a teacher? That was embarrassing. He figured he had to anyway, and he skimmed the area, stepping into a hallway that had two different divisions; the boys' and girls' locker rooms. He froze for a moment, nervous, but his eyes widened when he caught the sight of someone.

A familiar white shirt over a black hoodie, accompanied by the checkered backpack pulled over the shoulder. That was Nick, no doubt, and just catching the sight of him for a split second before he disappeared into the boys' room was enough to make his heart race excitedly. He shared a class with him? He glanced at the teacher's name on his schedule, hoping that both of theirs matched up. Even if they didn't, Karl knew he could probably admire him across the gymnasium whenever they crossed paths. That was honestly good enough for him.

He was almost tempted to follow him right into the changing room, as he was filled with a burst of adrenaline, but he could only imagine what he was going to be told by other boys the moment he changed his shirt. Not to mention the idea of being seen like that by anyone made his stomach twist in knots, especially if Nick was there. That would just be mortifying; even if he trusted Nick the most with anything, that was something he couldn't imagine ever. He winced, moving past the changing rooms and sighing in relief once he finally caught sight of an office. He peeked his head inside, nerves still making his stomach do flips.

"H-hi, I um-" Karl said meekly until the man that sat at the desk turned to look at him, and he had to swallow hard to stay focused. "I-is it possible for me to get a private changing room?"

"Uhh, I think so, what's your teacher's name?"

Karl grimaced slightly, pulling the piece of paper closer to his face to read the name. "Ms. Carroll."

"Hold on, I think she's just getting off her break," The man replied, getting up with a huff and walking into another door that was in the office; it was probably bigger than what Karl could see standing at the first doorway.

Eventually a shorter woman stepped out to greet him, and Karl couldn't help but feel a rush of euphoria when he realized that he was taller than her. He was considerably short for a guy, so being taller than anyone boosted his confidence a little bit. He smiled a little, but felt embarrassed when he noticed she was trying to smile back at him. "You said you need a separate room? What's your name?" She already started to walk out of the office, to which Karl followed like a lost puppy.

He reluctantly told her his birth name, but then followed it up with, "but I go by Karl and I'm a boy."

He could see the gears turning in her head. She nodded, leading him to a door with no label and unlocking it with clunky keys. "It's very nice to meet you Karl. Here's a room we don't really use for much so we use it to let people change sometimes. Just come find me and I'll take you here every day. You can leave your things on the table-" She pointed to a table inside the empty room- "and there's a private bathroom there." Her finger moved to show him another door inside the small room. "You have your uniform already, right?"

"Yeah," Karl said. His mom bought it for him during the tour of the school, so he already had it stuffed into his backpack.

"Oh, also there are no lockers in there, so unfortunately you'll have to bring your uniform every day instead of leaving it here." His teacher said quickly, as if she forgot.

"That's fine," Karl shrugged, feeling that it could be a pain at first, but obviously he was going to get used to it. It was an easy sacrifice compared to having to change with people he didn't fit in with. He was literally choosing between an overstuffed bag and bullying, so of course he was going with the full bag.

"Alright, see you in a few minutes," Ms. Carroll hummed, and Karl stepped inside, pressing his lips together as the door closed behind him. He put his bag down on the table, anxiously looking at the corners of the room like he anticipated there to be cameras pointed at him. He didn't like changing in rooms like these. It just felt inappropriate, like the whole world was staring at him even though he was alone.

So to erase that feeling of discomfort, he brought his gym clothes into the bathroom and changed there. He honestly couldn't explain why he felt safer that way. As he stepped out, he stuffed his day clothes into his backpack and tried to zip it closed, but it didn't fit because the materials were thicker than the gym clothes that easily fit snug in there. He frowned, pulling out the color-block hoodie and draping it over the open zipper to hide everything inside. That was better. It just looked like his hoodie was sitting over his closed backpack. Feeling satisfied, he looked over himself to make sure he was somewhat presentable before he left the changing room, closing the door behind him. As he approached the gymnasium, he suddenly lit up, remembering that Nick could possibly be in his class. His heart ran laps in his chest, and soon enough he stepped into the large room, searching among the groups of teenagers for his friend.

There he was. God, Nick really was handsome. He stood next to a taller boy that Karl didn't recognize, and they stood in really masculine positions that made him a little jealous. Nick's hair was slightly tussled, and not only was his stubble clear to the plain eye across the room, but so was the hair on his legs, which was probably weird for Karl to point out in his head, but envy was bubbling in his gut. It wasn't fair that Nick was on testosterone and got to live in a body he felt connected to while Karl was being left alone in the dust. He honestly felt mixed emotions as he stared him down for a short while. Nick was so cute; he was exactly what Karl wanted to be but couldn't have. He couldn't pry his thoughts of jealousy and attraction away from each other, and they got so jumbled up that his priorities felt blurred. Did he want to look like Nick or date Nick? Now that was a question he wanted to repress deep into his mind until he had the option to transition, because right now everything was so bleak and it pained him to dream of things he couldn't have for years.

This was so stupid. It was still his first day of reuniting with his best friend and this was how he felt? He didn't want to weigh Nick down; he felt annoying even when he wasn't saying anything to him just yet.

Karl took a deep breath. He was gonna talk to him, and he was going to feel better at the sound of his voice.

And he was right. As he quickly made his way up to the two boys, he noticed Nick perk up and grin at the sight of him.

"Karl!" He exclaimed, holding out his fist, to which Karl moved closer to bump their hands together with a playful laugh. That was so silly; he felt like a kid again.

He liked it.

"Nick," He responded, beaming at him. "What teacher do you have?"

"Uhhh, I dunno," Nick chuckled, making a simple shrug. "She's a girl."

Karl literally wiggled in excitement, figuring that they shared teachers already. He didn't believe there would be many more gym teachers who were women in this school, or maybe that was just his societal assumptions showing. "Mine too! Oh my gosh,"

Nick's friend smirked a little, giving Nick a slight nudge to the shoulder. "Yeah I don't, I gotta go over there," He gestured towards the other class that was clustered on the opposite side of the room. "See you later. Don't forget about Thursday,"

"What makes you think I'd forget about Thursday?" Nick scoffed, pushing him back playfully as the other boy was walking away. They made faces at each other for a few moments before they finally gave up, and Nick looked to Karl with a grin.

"Who was that?" Karl questioned, curious.

"Ah, that's just my friend Luke, he's a part of the football team with me and Clay." Nick hummed. "I'm friends with most of the team. They're chill but they're some of the straightest people I know." He snorted, seeming to entertain himself.

Nick joked about that so easily, as if it was simple for him to say it. Karl blinked in surprise. He knew that Nick had a much more supportive family and therefore he wouldn't have to hesitate and question himself before he said things like that, but it was still shocking to Karl. It was hard for him to even think about how he liked boys sometimes, especially in a way where he was one as well. With how much the church had nailed into the ground that boys couldn't be with boys and girls couldn't be with girls, there was always this little voice in the back of his mind telling him that he was disgusting for having an attraction to the same gender.

But he couldn't help it. As he stared up at Nick with round eyes, their gazes locked while he was still hesitated. His throat felt dry and he wasn't sure of how to respond. He understood what it was like to put on a mask in front of a heteronormative crowd. But he wasn't sure if that was what Nick meant when he said that.

Nick softened, and he tipped his head slightly, glancing down just a little bit to where Karl realized his lip was trembling.

"Y'alright, Karl?" He asked.

Karl nodded, taking a deep breath and feeling his face flood with color. He was honestly a bit mortified. "Yeah, I'm just. I'm not used to that."

"To what?" Nick continued.

"You say it so easily." Karl decided just to be truthful to him. There was no way he could manage lying to his best friend. "All my life everyone around me but you and Alex told me that was wrong."

Nick hummed, finally looking away. Karl hoped his teacher wasn't going to make them start in the middle of this important conversation, because he didn't think he could emotionally handle that.

"I'll never understand why people are so obsessed with controlling something that is so harmless, and has nothing to do with them." Nick blinked. "You know most people aren't like that, Karl. And even if no one else on this earth were to accept you, I will always be here for you."

Karl wanted to cry. He had to look away as well, because his eyes were filling up with tears. He touched at his face, taking in deep breaths to try and close the floodgates before he made a fool of himself.

"Oh Karl," Nick frowned, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and holding him close for a moment. "Shh, you're okay. Please don't cry."

It took a few moments, but Karl managed to choke it back, and he looked at his friend as he shakily wiped his eyes. "Sorry, it's just no one ever tells me that."

"I can tell. That's why you deserve it more than ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m not rlly proud of this but it is indeed filler ! anyways they cute :)


	9. My God Karl You Have No Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all!! first of all this story has blown up more than i expected, so for that i want to thank you all for reading. and to the lovely commenters,, ily all so much?? /p you are literally so sweet seriously thank you. sorry for the delay on this chapter, i kinda went through a creative rough patch! i might still be in it i don’t know but i wanted to get this chapter out for you all. oooh i’m also writing a dreamnotnap fic called “hurt!” so if you wanna check that out too it’s on my profile :) and i’m also thinking of writing a karlnap one-shot based off the masquerade because my god they were so cute tonight karl popped off he popped off
> 
> anyways i don’t know what to say now you all are so great thank you for joining me on this ao3 journey this story genuinely means a lot to me and getting out my message and my thoughts is super therapeutic and gratifying for me because it’s honestly a super personal story and yea i rlly hope that in the long run this makes you think and feel and all :) anyways imma reward y’all with some chapters as sweet as candy

The day went by like a dream. After gym class was over, everyone went home, and Karl and Nick literally got to walk themselves to the buses before they split up, having to go into separate ones. He sat on the seat with his backpack in his lap and his gaze searching outside as if he would see his friend again one more time before they drove off into opposite directions. He didn't catch a second glimpse of him, but it was okay. He had all the time in the world to see him now that he was staying in public school.

The only problem was coming home, and having to dodge his mother's questions.

"You made friends?"

"A couple!"

"What're they like?"

"They're super nice!"

"What're their names?"

"Alastair and Wilbur and George and Clay and Floris."

"That's a lot! All boys?"

"Yeah..."

"Hm... just be careful."

"I know."

Karl was a boy. He didn't feel like he had to be scared around them. Not like a girl should in the presence of boys either, but he didn't feel out of place. He was a part of them, not an outsider looking in. There was a big difference between being trans and being a tomboy. His mom probably could only picture him as the second no matter how much he begged her to see him differently. He felt it was only a matter of time before she would start to accept that she wasn't going to change him, and no amount of fear-inducing could make such an important part of himself waver.

As if the days he spent at school talking to his new friends weren't perfect enough, he would lay in his bed at home and open Instagram to continue his conversations with them through the DMs. He had never felt so accepted, included, or loved this much in so long. Some of his favorite moments were noticing that Nick had responded to his message, and he would occasionally read them over and over again with his heart fluttering in his chest. He wished he knew what it was exactly about him that made him feel like this. He had the potential to spark feelings over Alex, Wilbur, Alastair, literally anyone he would consider to be in his friend group now, but what was it about Nick? The time they had between them? The way he kept his white bandana in his bag and his yearbook on the end of the shelf for easy finding? The way Nick's new stubble crawled across his jaw and his eyes melted his soul like it was hot chocolate in a pot? The acceptance he showed persistently no matter what Karl looked like? His gravelly voice and how he laughed like he didn't have a worry for anything in the world? The way their hands clasped together when Karl sat on his lap during their reunion... and how his lips looked so close yet so far...

Yeah, Karl was in a little too deep. It was getting to the point where he would be laying on his back staring at the ceiling at night trying to sleep and he would have a picture of his friend in his head, and when he went to sleep he would linger in his dreams. The next morning, he'd sit up in his bed, grab his phone, and check their messages to see if any of that was real, only to be met with a wave of disappointment. He would still smile as he sent Nick something, but there was always something in the corner of his mind longing the romantic reciprocations in his dreams to be real.

Days passed. The school lunchroom was Karl's comfort place. He would hop back and forth from Alex's table to Nick's table until he convinced Alex and Floris to join the others, and very quickly they all fit together like the pieces of a puzzle. They passed food around, shared stories, and invented new inside jokes every day they spent there. The worst part of the entire day was having to leave. Even if he got to talk to everyone on social media later, it just didn't feel the same as seeing all their faces in person. Especially Nick's. He could stare at his all day. He wondered if Nick felt the same about him.

He rolled over in his bed with a whine, troubled by the painful thoughts that clouded his brain. He knew he was going to have to tell someone about this sometime. The feelings he harbored were just too powerful to be kept in a bottle; it would simply explode in time. And he didn't want to be the one who got Nick's shirt wet.

It was honestly embarrassing that after all this time he could only think of the friend he made in elementary school, clutching the white cloth in his hands, wishing it still smelled like his house. Where Nick's parents respected Karl's name, and let them play together to the ends of the earth, only to be left alone and confused while Karl was being dragged away by his hair.

His mother ruined everything. If he just got to live a normal life like everyone else, he wouldn't even have to be this happy that he got to reunite with his best friend.

Karl sniffled, picking up his phone and checking his DMs with Nick. He hadn't gotten a response back yet, but he decided to tack something onto the end of his last message.

_**honkkarl** : I'm sad_

Was it pathetic? Yeah, probably. But was Nick the kind of guy to say that to his face? Not at all. Karl was already so comfortable sharing almost all of his inner thoughts with him, often discussing his problems with life like how his mom and his gender identity were constantly at war with each other. Nick couldn't relate as much, since his own parents have always been extremely supportive of him and he didn't even have to go through female puberty. Apparently he had to take blockers for a few years and then finally go on testosterone, which was only something he managed to get recently but it worked so quickly and so dramatically that it was kind of hard for Karl to tell. But when he scrolled back on his account, he noticed older pictures of him where he didn't have a trace of stubble on his cheek and he just looked so much younger. It was crazy to think that Nick had only gone on hormones on his last birthday, which was about six months ago. He thought about how his friend group would whine about how fast Nick grew facial hair, and how jealous they were of him. They were all still fairly young, so it would make sense that it was going to take time for a majority of them to grow facial hair, but with Nick speeding ahead it was hard not to feel a little envious. It was like he had a fun little shortcut, a key to the genetic lottery.

Suddenly it made sense why he was on blockers for so long. Testosterone worked its magic in a way so intense that Nick probably looked a little older than most of his friends despite being the youngest. It seemed to be okay though, and he often talked about his regular visits to get his testosterone levels checked. Karl always squirmed at the thought of getting his blood taken, but that was just something he was gonna have to worry about in the future when he got to go down the same path as Nick. Despite his fears, he was more than excited to follow in his footsteps. Even if his goal wasn't in sight yet, he was going to push forward every day knowing that one day he was going to get there no matter what.

Some days, though, it was paralyzing. He didn't want to show up to school on those days, and when he was forced to, he'd wear the largest hoodie in his collection and drown himself in it at every desk he sat in. Gym was only good because Nick was there. Every other thing about it made him feel like he was melting, but in the bad way, like chocolate mashed in a wrapper. Because when he exercised, he could feel the parts of himself that weren't supposed to be there more than ever, and he was uncomfortably aware that he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt with shorts.

It was upsetting that such an outfit, that most of the time would probably be read as masculine and affirming, freaked Karl out so bad. His thoughts on his body had only been on the decline, and it was painful. He could barely take a shower without disassociating from himself. Usually he spent way too much time under the water, the hot fog steaming up the crucial parts of his brain. Sometimes he would sit at the bottom and hang his head just to feel the streams of water run down his hair and face.

It was rather disappointing to him to find out that he was still going to be sad like this whether he was in public or private school. He thought that maybe seeing Nick again would solve all his problems, but honestly, while a lot of them had been eradicated, new ones were beginning to brew. Like how he was practically enraged from how jealous he was of Nick's access to testosterone, or how he couldn't decipher his feelings towards the other boy. Having to hide a lot of things from his mom was an honorable mention, because it felt like half the things he said to her were lies nowadays. He just knew that if he slipped up and told her a truth that she didn't like, she could rip him away from his only safe place in the blink of an eye and send him back to private school.

Anything but that. So he stayed selective.

He wondered if she knew what his real personality was anymore.

Just as he was starting to get whisked down the tracks on the train of thought, something changed on his phone screen. Karl glanced down to look at it, realizing he had been staring at his wall for a while.

_**sapnapinsta** : Hey, do you want to talk about it? youre gonna be okay <3_

Karl sighed audibly, always touched by his kindness. He should've gotten used to it by now, but he couldn't help but be surprised by it every time, considering that his fears were rooted in irrationality because of his anxiety.

_**honkkarl** : Yeah as long as it's okay :(_

_**honkkarl** : Dysphoria is just kicking my butt !!_

_**sapnapinsta** : its fine I'm always here to listen_

_**honkkarl** : I just. I don't want to put you down or anything!_

_**honkkarl** : I just can't help but feel jealous that you get to be on t and not me :(_

_**sapnapinsta** : I completely understand_

_**sapnapinsta** : you don't think you can ever get to your mom about it?_

_**honkkarl** : Of course not_

_**honkkarl** : She'd probably disown me if I talked about it any longer_

_**sapnapinsta** : yeah i cant imagine_

_**sapnapinsta** : You know you're gonna make it karl and I'm gonna help you_

_**honkkarl** : Really?_

_**sapnapinsta** : of course. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own body_

_**honkkarl** : Yeah :(_

_**sapnapinsta** : It's a privilege that I got to transition young and i feel the need to give back_

_**sapnapinsta** : Dysphoria was already bad for me as it is so i cant imagine how you must be feeling_

_**sapnapinsta** : youre not alone and you're gonna be okay <3_

_**honkkarl** : You have no idea how much you help me_

_**sapnapinsta** : I could say the same thing to you_

_**honkkarl** : :o_

_**sapnapinsta** : <3 <3_

_**honkkarl** : :] <3_

There it was again, the butterflies. Karl's throat felt like it was full of them, in a way that made him feel both sick and euphoric at the same time. Nick often sent hearts to him, and he was sure he did that with everyone else as well, but there was something different about these ones this time. They just felt a little... more. In a way he couldn't explain. And maybe it wasn't Nick's intention, but it still made his heart do backflips in his chest. He wanted more moments like this. He wanted that little emoticon tacked onto the end of some meaningful sentence that would make Karl's endorphins go haywire. He wanted to feel overwhelmed, and he wondered deeply if Nick felt the same way about him. Did Nick, too look down at his phone screen and smile when Karl texted him back? Did he trace his screen with his fingers, craving for a message that confessed romantic feelings so he could finally come out about his own without feeling so nervous? Because that was exactly how Karl felt, every single day he texted Nick. His fingers would itch like it was instinct to type out his thoughts, and while some days he gave in and wrote down a pathetic paragraph, he would always end up hitting the backspace button until all he had was a blank message bar.

Yeah, he was going crazy. He needed to tell someone about this.

He couldn't tell Alex. Not yet, at least. He was sure that he knew, by the way Karl always talked so fondly about Nick, and he specifically remembered when they reunited and Alex told him he was "whipped." The only problem was that Alex didn't know Nick like the others did, and Karl wanted just a bit of insight.

So he went to the person he felt would understand him the most.

_**honkkarl** : Hey Alastair do you have a moment I really need to talk about something if that’s ok :]_

_**eretvr** : Yup! Lay it on me :)_

_**honkkarl** : Ok so honestly you might see this coming but yeah I like Nick a lot like LIKE like!!! :] And I have since we met back up and I was wondering if you know anything and if it would be a good idea to tell him??? IDK I’M REALLY SCARED THOUGH :o_

The pause after Karl sent that was almost painful, and he held his breath for a significant amount of time, but let it out in relief once he saw Alastair’s response float up onto his screen.

_**eretvr** : My God Karl you have no idea_

_**eretvr** : It would be terrific if you told him and I’d be willing to help actually if you have any extra big ideas_

Karl’s heart was running a million miles a minute. As he tried to type a response, he noticed that his fingers were shaking. He didn’t know how to take that.

_**honkkarl** : What do you mean?_

_**eretvr** : Like if you wanna do some sort of crazy reveal confession thing or like a party I don’t know we did promise a friend hangout this month yea?_

_**honkkarl** : Wdym about the first part tho too?_

_**eretvr** : I am legally obligated to not disclose that information but I CAN say that your chances are very high Karl_

Karl had to put down his phone for a moment, and it felt like his chest was being beat with a drumstick. He sighed, staring up at his ceiling longingly, and he swore he saw stars swirling in the beige sky. Of course Nick liked him back, he’d been dropping hints since they reunited. They were small and often flew right over Karl’s head but they were akin to Karl’s hints; meaningful but vague enough to possibly be taken as a statement of their friendship. They were both flirting at each other but couldn’t even realize it because they were both blind to the other’s romantic advances.

Was that what this was, or was Karl just creating the perfect storybook scenario in his head?

_**honkkarl** : So he likes me?_

_**eretvr** : I cannot confirm nor deny that_

_**honkkarl** : Frick_

_**honkkarl** : Please don’t get my hopes up Eret_

_**eretvr** : I may be an optimist but I swear I wouldn’t go this far if I wasn’t so sure_

_**honkkarl** : Bless you literally_

_**honkkarl** : So... about that “extra big idea”... :]_


	10. You Like Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! sorry for the long wait on this chapter, again, inspiration to write has been on the downlow. a lot of things have been changing for me lately; like i got a computer setup out of the blue and im starting to stream myself. so juggling streaming, work, drawing, and writing this every once in a blue moon is a strange experience. i can’t say i will update this faster, but i do have a lot planned and i really don’t want to scrap this story. everything about it means a lot to me and is even helping me, to be honest.
> 
> also i’ve kinda been thinking about this because i saw a suggestion and only answer if you know please, but i made this a karlnap story before i knew karlnapity were canonically fiancés, and while i think poly representation is so cool and sweet, i thought big q was uncomfortable with shipping in fanfiction? i’ll probably keep this a karlnap story either way but i just want to know this in the future if anyone knows what his current views are. again, thanks yall for reading, and no cws on this chapter. this is just a longer one that could probably cause cavities with the amount of sweetness it contains. i hope you enjoy. :]

Karl stared out the window with big eyes, watching the rows of houses melt together as they drove by. Today was a very important day; Alastair lived up to their promise when she said that he wanted to help Karl set up a giant surprise confession-reveal party. At first, the idea sounded daunting and even a little embarrassing, but Alastair convinced him that it would be okay, and turns out, it was.

After he gave the thumbs up, Alastair started a group chat with everyone in their friend circle, which was so intimidating, but Karl's fears were soothed quickly. They were great at keeping their promises, and not a word of this plan had been said to Nick, from what he knew of. And everyone reacted as how Karl realistically predicted; Alex teased him about it but was overwhelmingly supportive, George seemed entertained by the idea on Karl's behalf, Clay seemed entertained by the idea on Nick's behalf, and Wilbur didn't say much in the chat except for his affirmation that he was going to be there. It was expected, but Karl still felt relieved, because beforehand he couldn't help but feel like he was going to be judged for confessing to Alastair before Nick himself and putting together a silly party to celebrate.

Honestly, he didn't know how he convinced his mom to take him to Alastair's house. She was pretty alarmed by the fact that all his friends were all boys, but after a month of talking about them, she seemed to be warming up to the concept of them. He left the details of Alastair going by all pronouns and George and Clay being in a relationship out of the equation, because he knew that if she discovered those things, it would just strengthen the tension between him, her, and the private school. It was upsetting, but he figured that she would probably rather him have no friends at all than friends that went against her own personal beliefs. So he walked on eggshells, every time they spoke about what he did at school, and every time he turned on his phone and dimmed the brightness so she wouldn't see anything. He remembered reading a quote that stated that strict parents only raised very sneaky kids, which was true in every single way. Karl didn't like to be deceiving, and he wasn't good at it naturally. He was just trying to survive and be happy.

The car finally stopped in front of a light honey house, and Karl literally wiggled in his seat in excitement, his hand latching onto the car door. He looked behind him, making round eyes back at his mother. "I love you, thanks for driving, bye-" He immediately popped the handle and swung the door open, getting up to leave.

"Have fun, text me if you need anything, don't let any boys be weird to you-"

Karl rolled his eyes at that last part. "I'll be fine," He groaned back, closing the door and hopping up to the house. He paused for a second, just a little intimidated by the fact he hadn't done anything like this in years. He soon rang the doorbell and stepped back, his eyes the size of moons as he waited, and soon he heard the locks on the door turn.

It swung open to reveal Alastair, who had a huge grin on their face. "Karl!" She greeted, immediately pulling him into a hug, which Karl melted into. He could never deny this type of affection; it made him feel loved and needed.

Eventually they pulled away though, and Alastair looked over him admiringly with bright eyes. "Great to see you, Karl. I need you to help me with the setup-" He reached out, grabbing Karl's wrist gently. "I put some decorations up but I need your approval."

Karl nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes, I'll help!" He wondered just how extravagant this was going to be. Alastair said they were working on collecting decorations and food and all they could ever need for such a party and Karl wanted to be the judge of it.

Alastair started to pull him inside, so he took one last glance back towards his mom's car, which was still sitting there because she was probably waiting for him to get inside safely. He couldn't help but feel his stomach turn, wondering about what she could possibly be thinking seeing them so affectionate. Knowing her, he'd probably come home and be bombarded with questions about Alastair. That was going to be awkward, especially since this party was aimed towards someone else... someone she might recognize by name.

He shivered and looked away, listening to the door slam shut behind him. Alastair was still excitedly guiding him by his wrist, taking him to the side and down the basement steps.

When Karl finally got down the staircase and he stepped into the open room, his eyes widened as he took notice of all the decorations that were already up. They were pretty general, but there was a lot of them, and it was so colorful. He beamed as he took steps around, noticing that the streamers were coordinated. He recognized the bisexual flag a few times, and his heart fluttered.

"You've already done so much," Karl gasped, speechless. "What else can I possibly do to this?"

Alastair was beaming, proud of herself. "Umm, whatever you want, there's extra decorations in the box."

Karl approached the box and squatted down so he was at level with it, reaching out and picking up some more little decorations to look at them. There were so many, in every color his eyes could register. "How on earth do you have so many?" He questioned, smiling wide.

"Let's say I had an extravagant coming out party," Alastair said, then beamed and clapped their hands together gently out of happiness. It was obvious that this sent him over the moon.

"That must be so cool," Karl breathed, unable to help the envy that festered in his chest. Why was it that all of his friends had supportive parents and could talk about being LGBT while he was yanked away from his only supportive environment and forced into one that disapproved of him for so many years? Sure, it was over now, but going through that even a little bit would ruin anyone. He felt like his teenage years were already wasted. Everyone sympathized, but they couldn't actually relate to him. Not that he'd want anyone to go through what he did, but it would just be nice to have one person to truly understand his struggles.

Alastair must've noticed his mood drop, because she stepped over to him and squatted down to match his stance. Their eyes were full of concern, but it was calm and sweet, in a way that Karl appreciated more than some other people would approach his sadness.

"You're gonna do great, Karl." Alastair mumbled, wrapping her arm around his shoulder to pull him closer. All of his friends knew at this point that Karl loved physical touch more than anything, and needed it to keep going. He was a sucker for it, so he leaned into their touch without hesitation, closing his eyes and humming quietly for a short moment.

"I just wish my mom was like yours."

"I know," Alastair's voice was so deep and soothing; it almost made his pain ebb a little more just at the sound. "You know we're here for you and you're gonna be safe."

"Mhm," Karl nodded slowly, playing with a loose string on his jeans. "Love you."

"Love you Karl." He could hear the smile on Alastair's face, and they pulled away with a pat to Karl's shoulder. He scooted away from him with a grin on his face now, suddenly filled with excited endorphins.

"So the decorations, they're amazing." Karl pointed out, taking in the beautiful scenery around him again. "I honestly couldn't add anything more. But didn't you mention cupcakes?"

"The cupcakes are upstairs," Alastair clarified. "Do you want me to have them on display or do you want me to go get them when we're ready for them?"

"I kinda like if they were out." Karl got up as well, looking at the empty table Alastair had set up. "Then there wouldn't be a big space here, you know?"

"True, true, lemme get them," Alastair nodded at him, then went back up the stairs. Karl stood by himself for a while, nervously wringing his hands out. It suddenly hit him that he was going to confess to Nick with an audience. The thought made his stomach turn inside out and his legs wobble from nerves. He knew it would be worth it in the end, but the process was tiring for his anxiety.

Alastair came back with a container full of dark brown-and-white cupcakes, smiling as she went to put it on the table for display. "You're right, it does look quite nice." They noted, stepping back. "The only problem with it is that it's making me hungry."

Karl couldn't help but giggle at that, eyeing the desserts and feeling his stomach rumble as well. He knew he had to wait for it, though, because a display of cupcakes would look sad if one was missing.

Suddenly the doorbell rung around the house, and the two of them perked up with excitement before bolting up the stairs to the door. It wouldn't be Nick; they told Nick to come an hour later than the others, but he didn't know that he was going to be the last one. Alastair opened the door to reveal Clay and George standing there, hands intertwined and faces burning pink.

"Hi guys!" Alastair and Karl said almost in unison, and they looked to each other with big grins on their faces.

Clay smirked, leading George in with his head high. "Hi hi, where's the party?"

"Downstairs," Alastair gestured towards the open basement door, and as the new arrivals walked to it, he glanced out the window. "Did you see Wilbur or Alex?"

Clay stopped in his tracks, chuckling with amusement. "No? You know Wilbur's always a little late."

"Yeah I do," Alastair sighed, pulling out their phone and checking the time quickly. "Nick should be here in thirty minutes."

Karl shuffled in his spot nervously. Of course he was looking forward to all this, but he couldn't help but also be paralyzed by anxiety. This was probably one of the most exciting moments of his life, next to meeting Nick again.

The quartet made their way back downstairs, and hung out for a while. Eventually Alex and then Wilbur joined their ranks, and soon enough it was a countdown to when Nick would ring the doorbell. They huddled around the couch for a few rounds of some game Alastair had hooked up to the big TV, but Karl was too spaced out to play. He stared into the screen blankly, but didn't take in any of its information. The only thing that orbited around his brain was Nick, and how he was going to see the streamers and decorations and realize that it was meant for him, and Karl was going to finally confess his feelings in front of everyone...

The doorbell rung, and Karl shivered. Everyone started to get up, exchanging excited murmurs as the game was paused. Alex nudged Karl, starting to tug him back up the stairs. "There's your man, Karl." He felt his face flush hot with color, and his limbs were shaking, but was forced to follow him on clumsy legs.

They were practically surrounding the door when it was opened. Nick stepped inside, a big grin on his face as he went to greet everyone. "Hey! And I thought I was early!" Karl watched anxiously as he moved from person to person, bumping their hands together or simply giving them a nod of acknowledgement before coming up to Karl and wrapping him tightly in his embrace. Karl couldn't help but soften, but he was still trembling, and he noticed the confusion in Nick's eyes when he pulled away. Oh god, he had no idea. Karl almost wanted to cry.

It was all just so overwhelming.

And now they were going to walk down the stairs and Nick was going to see all the streamers and decorations that were made for him... he honestly felt like he might get sick.

But he held his breath, and gave Nick a reassuring smile. He was going to do this.

Everyone else was good at playing it cool, leading them back into the basement like it was just a normal day. Karl followed after Nick, unsure of whether he wanted to because he couldn't handle seeing the look on his face when he saw what they created for him or because he liked being behind him like this when they had to walk in a single-file line. He looked good; he had a dark red hoodie on, and his hair was perfectly tussled. Karl froze all of a sudden when they stepped into the open room, realizing that Nick was looking around, taking it all in. The taller boy glanced to Alastair questioningly, who wasn't good at keeping secrets, because they seemed to shuffle in their spot and look to Karl expectantly.

His bones felt like they had melded together. He met Nick's gaze, eyes wide with surprise, and then he put his hands together, playing with his fingers in an anxious habit. "I um... I wanted to do this. For you." He swallowed hard.

Nick smiled playfully. He was so clueless. "My birthday's in March." He bit his lip, furrowing his eyebrows as he was deep in thought. "I can't think of anything else for me?"

"Yeah because... it also includes me." Karl kept meeting his gaze and then breaking it, over and over again. He was too nervous to look him in the eyes for too long, but he also wanted to let him know that he was being serious. He noticed Nick pause his banter and listen instead. He was still smiling. He looked so cute.

Karl put his hand flat against his chest for a moment, feeling his heart thump through the flesh. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this, or if it had ever manifested in a way where it was terrifying yet exciting at the same time. Usually he was just scared, but now he was full of curiosity and wonder, which was the only thing that was propelling him forward during this confrontation.

He took a deep breath. "I-I wanted it to be perfect for you," Finally he gathered up the courage to stare into his eyes, which were dark and so expansive. He could swear he saw a million galaxies floating in his pupils even from the distance he was at the moment. "I needed the perfect time to tell you. Tell you that... I like you."

God, it already came out just like that? The silence was so deafening. Everyone else was staring and they were gonna make fun of him. He was gonna have to call his mom and go home crying because Nick was going to reject him. Why would he willingly want him anyway? He got the luckiest life in the world, and was on testosterone at an age before a majority of trans people could access hormones. And Karl was in the worst situation possible. His relationship with his mother was like crossing a tightrope. She would never accept him the way he was supposed to be. Nick wasn't seeing him at his fullest potential, and he probably wouldn't for a long time. So why would he react positively, when Karl was just so unlikeable?

Nick was smiling, harder than he was before. The corners of his eyes crinkled slightly in that genuine, adorable way.

"You like me? Like... like?"

Karl's heart leaped in his chest, noticing that he was reacting positively to it. Still, his throat felt like it was closing up with fear. He nodded meekly, staring up at him with round eyes. His surroundings were slowly melting into one another; his attention was only on Nick as they stared at each other. He was the only thing in the world right now. Karl found himself holding his breath.

Nick glanced around at the decorations again, and he still had that dorky smile on his face. "Wow, you set all this up to tell me that?" He looked back to Karl again, still beaming. "I like you too, Karl."

Karl immediately shook his hands, his eyes widening, and it only took a few seconds of silence before he was hurling himself into Nick's arms, hugging him tightly and shaking like a leaf in his grip. "Oh, Karl," He heard him sigh, and hold him closer. Karl's eyes were full of tears and a couple slipped out when he closed them. This was just a lot. He was so overwhelmed. He managed to get through this alive... and Nick liked him back? It seemed like a fantasy, but maybe Karl was really dancing on the pages. Maybe his life was finally looking up.

Nick moved his head away, and Karl could feel his gaze boring into his head, but he still clung to him like a baby, sniffling as he wiped his tears with the dark red fabric of his hoodie. He didn't want to let go, he was just starting to get used to it. His thoughts were interrupted by a gentle kiss pressed against his forehead, and suddenly it felt like his bloodstream had become an electric current. He shivered harshly and held onto him tighter, only to turn his head to look up at him and blush wildly.

"You're so cute," Nick said without hesitation, which made Karl's heart do backflips in his chest. He was so overstimulated with emotion he felt he could throw up with excitement. He blinked quickly, feeling like he could cry again, but was distracted by Nick's hand against his cheek, which he slowly relaxed against. "Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend, Karl Jacobs?"

"Mm. Mhm," Karl hummed, probably making the most intense heart eyes of his entire life as they stared at each other. He was swooning so hard he could barely put a coherent thought together in his head. He just wanted to crash on the couch and snuggle Nick until the end of time.

Nick chuckled, and Karl treasured the way he could spot very slight dimples adorning the sides of his cheeks. "To be honest, I've liked you this whole time." His thumb traced over Karl's face, which made him close his eyes and smile just out of pure bliss. His mind was simultaneously racing and blank.

"Me too," Karl whispered, remembering the constant festering thoughts of Nick in his head ever since they caught sight of one another again. How he could barely tell if they were platonic or romantic, or whether he wanted to be him or date him or both. It was definitely a difficult wire to untangle, however he felt he finally managed to straighten it out. He only wanted to be Nick because he was one of the luckiest trans guys he saw. He got on testosterone at fifteen years old, and actually never went through female puberty. He didn't have to daydream about top surgeries, or worry about monthly cycles. Sure he still had to deal with other things, but it just sounded so much easier.

Karl had to fantasize about binders and legal name changes and familial acceptance, all things that Nick had already or never needed in the first place. His now-boyfriend was literally the luckiest person in the whole world... so why would he want Karl, out of everyone?

Karl ducked to hug him again, and after so long of having his attention stuck on Nick and Nick only, he finally started to hear the playful murmurs of the other boys in the room. They seemed to be having their own conversations, but were watching over the two nonetheless. When Karl finally pulled from the embrace of his prince, he softened as he made eye contact with Alastair, who offered a thumbs up, and then Alex, who was literally beaming with pride. They believed in him, and he managed to do it. He confessed, and it went well. Nick was now his.

His heart leaped in his chest, and he immediately pressed up against Nick's side in an affectionate manner. He didn't think he'd be able to pull his body away from him anymore; his touch was addicting. It was the most important form of love to him. So when he felt Nick's arm gently wrap around his shoulder and squeeze him closer, he almost felt dizzy from excitement.

Things were going to be different now.

The rest of the party went as expected, playing lots of games on the TV and Karl stuffing cupcakes in his face. Him and Nick sat closer than ever on the couch, and there were lots of jokes cracked about their relationship already. The single boys wouldn't shut up about how lonely they were, and to be honest, it was quite funny. However, it was way more hilarious when they put themselves on a pedestal for being single with no actual valid reason. It was all just "You're in a relationship? Cringe." And the room would bubble with laughter, although it made absolutely no sense.

But that was what Karl liked the most about having a friend group like this. They all managed to get along, and their dynamics fit perfectly with one another. Everyone had the chance to add something to the conversation, and they certainly did. There was never a dull moment being around them, and it was only going uphill.

He was so happy to have made it. It took a lot of convincing but he transferred schools and he was proving to his mother that this was the best choice for him. Not only did he feel better mentally but he was also doing better in school; he may joke around in a couple of his classes but overall he was paying way more attention. It was easier to take in when they weren't forcing him to spew hateful rhetoric that was being shoved down his throat.

Now all he had to do was survive until he graduated, then run away with Nick and start his own transition.

That was definitely a hard concept to grasp, especially when Karl was still unsure of what he wanted to do with his life after high school. But he was positive that he was going to figure it out and he was going to make it. Nick was already starting to talk about getting a part-time job when he turned sixteen. Karl couldn't say he was as excited to work as he was, but he knew he would have to eventually, so maybe it would be easier to start sooner rather than later. At least he had almost a year to think about it; Nick only had half of one.

So, while the future was uncertain, at least Karl knew that he loved Nick and Nick loved him back. And as he drifted asleep sprawled across his lap, despite the loud whooping from the other boys in the room that occurred whenever something exciting happened in their game, he felt safe and peaceful. The last thing he remembered was snuggling closer against his body before he passed out, the welcoming warmth becoming too much for him.

Even in a deep sleep, he could swear he could feel Nick’s gentle hand rustle his fluffy hair.

His dreams were heavenly.


	11. You Make Me Happiest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: more transphobia, stressful parts that can be very anxiety inducing, and internalized transphobia/self-doubt
> 
> stay safe thank you sm for reading

Karl woke up to a gentle voice and careful hands cradling his face. He whined in protest, but eventually fluttered his eyes open, having to squint up since the lights were quite bright. He smiled as he caught the shaded sight of Nick's face, who was staring back down at him with nothing but love in his eyes.

"Hi sleepyhead," His voice resembled the rumbles of driving over a bumpy road. He moved his hand up to run through his hair again, settling the strands in a different place. Karl wrinkled his nose at the unfamiliar feeling, and shook his head with a tired giggle as he tried to fix it back to what it was before.

Nick's grin was so contagious. Karl's heart still thumped in wonder as they gazed upon each other like this. He couldn't imagine ever getting used to this feeling; it felt like he was high off it and drifting in the clouds. His eyes hooded over again, and even though he was stretching his arms out in an attempt to wake himself up fully, he was still sleepy, and he literally had to fight himself to keep his eyes open.

"You slept a while," Nick commented with a soft chuckle, which made Karl's freckled face deepen with embarrassment.

"You're so comfy," Karl sighed, defending himself. Usually he would be more adamant about something like this to avoid playful teases, but now that they were together he realized he might like it more now than before.

And as he wished, Nick literally cooed at him as he rubbed his head. "You're such a lightweight."

Karl groaned in defiance, stretching again and slowly sitting up to rub his eyes. "You're mean."

"You were so cute though," Nick pouted at him playfully. "I liked it."

"You did?" Karl knew that already, but he still looked at him in surprise. He couldn't tell if Nick seemed confused or reassuring from the look on his face, but either way, there was a light in his eyes that wasn't there all the time.

"Of course I did. Your hair is so soft. And I like knowing you trust me enough to sleep on me."

Karl knew he was gonna say something cute, but he didn't expect it to be that cute. Immediately he had to cover his face, giggling with glee for a few seconds and kicking his feet a little from where he sat. He looked back at Nick, his eyes wide and brows raised. Nick was just smirking like he expected that reaction, bouncing his leg and watching him happily like he had been waiting for his gaze. After a few seconds of silence, Karl decided to show him his appreciation in the only way he knew best: physical touch. He turned to hug him tightly, scooting onto his lap and burying his face in his neck just as he did when they reconnected. He wrapped his arms around his neck and squeezed him closer, reveling in the way Nick's hands sat on his back and rubbed circles against the fabric of his shirt.

"I trust you more than anyone or anything." Karl breathed, the words coming naturally to him. Usually he would stutter in such a new and unfamiliar situation, but he was so over the moon that he didn't overthink his phrases. He said what he meant, and even if it was cheesy as honk, Nick still took it in and smiled like it was typical flirting.

Or maybe it was actually typical flirting. Karl's oblivious self wouldn't really be able to tell the difference.

"I trust you more than you can ever imagine." Nick countered softly, which made Karl feel like his brain was a slab of butter in a sizzling saucepan.

Karl literally shuddered and held him tighter, giggling again just out of pure euphoria. "You make me so happy."

"You make me happiest."

"Okay lovebirds," Alastair suddenly spoke up, which made Karl turn his head so quickly he almost felt dizzy. They were standing next to the couch, arms crossed. "Time to leave. It's really late."

Karl pressed his lips together, fumbling in his pant pocket for his phone. Once he pulled it up to his face, he turned it on, and cringed at the number he saw on the screen, then the unread text message boxes under it. He clicked on the first one to open it up, and then was bombarded by a bunch of concerned texts from his mother, asking what time he wanted to be picked up, then showing frustration, then worry. He huffed in nervousness, going to send her a simple little text in response.

Sorry I fell asleep I can be picked up now

Karl sighed, putting it back into his pocket and glancing at Nick with a frown. "My mom's mad at me."

Nick rolled his eyes. "When is she not mad at you?" 

Karl softened. When he put it like that, it sounded really bad, but it didn't feel like that on a day-to-day basis. All he had to do was leave things out of stories when he talked to her, hide his phone and delete his apps when she wanted to look through it, and lock himself in his room all day.

Okay, it was pretty bad. But since Karl had to live like that every day of his life, it didn't feel like such a big deal over time. There were some things that were awful to other people but happened regularly under Karl's roof and seemed normal since it was his normal. He lived every day in fear that his happiness would be stripped from him; surely that was no way to live.

"Never," Karl mumbled, pressing his lips together thoughtfully before sighing and getting up off his lap.

Nick rose to his feet after him, staying close to his side in a way that made Karl's heart skip a beat from pure happiness. He could tell that Nick also shared his love language of physical touch and it was so relieving. Before today he literally had to lay in his room with his phone on his chest thinking about their bodies sharing heat together and now it was a reality. He didn't have to be ashamed of it anymore, because he knew that Nick wanted to hold him as much as Karl did Nick.

It was the most comforting feeling in the world, especially since Karl didn't have many people in his life he could do that to. He certainly didn't have anyone before Nick that he felt completely safe with and accepted by. Now it was like heaven, and he practically saw stars in his vision as he tried to mentally replicate the feeling of Nick's hand in his hair.

This was so addicting.

Alastair led them upstairs and outside, where they all sat down on the porch and played music out loud on their phones while they waited for their parents to show up. Karl would hum along to the songs he recognized, while exchanging playful glances with Nick, inviting him to join with his pleading eyes. Nick sounded so adorable when he sang. His voice still cracked due to the new testosterone running through his blood, and sometimes he would try to hit notes that he just couldn't hit anymore, but that gave him more charm than most would believe. There was something about the shy look he gave back to Karl when he messed something up that made Karl's brain go haywire from adoration. He just wanted to cradle him in his arms, kiss his forehead, and tell him that he sounded nothing less of an angel. He could only imagine the lighthearted defiance and the gentle struggle Nick would put up. Karl knew he was a softie even when he acted like he was all big and tough. He knew that whenever they locked gazes and he could watch Nick physically soften. The fire that kindled in his eyes always cooled down to a steady, careful flicker.

Why was Karl so anxious to confess to Nick in the first place? Everyone found it obvious that they were falling in love. They were literally inseparable; they reunited after Karl went through hell and they recognized each other's faces like he had been there the whole time. Alastair told Karl of the times Nick would drop hints to the others when they were alone or in their private messages but he didn't want to push Karl's boundaries since they hadn't been together again for that long.

Would it really be considered rushing if it just came naturally?

It simply felt like destiny.

The three sat comfortably on the porch until Karl watched his mother's car brush up against the curb in front of his house, and then he had to say his goodbyes. It hurt to avoid sending Nick off with a hug, but he had to step away in fear of his mom seeing it and then getting angry with him. He knew that she could stretch out every little thing she saw and make it into a big deal, no matter how normal or harmless it was.

Maybe overprotection came from a good place, but it didn't feel good at all. Karl felt trapped.

He didn't have much to say as he opened the passenger door and hopped in. It seemed like his mother just stole all his excitement, because as she started to drive again, she was smiling and looking over at him curiously. "So... how'd it go?"

Karl shrugged, trying to keep his face from turning pink. Not like she would see it anyway; it was way too dark. "It was fun."

"Yeah? What'd you do?"

"We had cupcakes... and played this game. And then I fell asleep because I got tired."

"No funny business happened, right?" She asked, which was in a weirdly serious tone for how lighthearted her words were.

Karl shook his head before realizing she couldn't see him. "No." His heart was pounding.

"Those boys better be treating you well." She frowned. Karl could tell that she didn't really like the fact that his friend group was made up of only guys, but that was just how it ended up being. He was a boy, and he got along well with other boys. Not that he wouldn't be open to being friends with girls, it just happened this way.

"Of course they are," Karl scoffed, almost offended at the thought that anyone from that group could be considered a threat by his mom. "They're the nicest people I've ever met."

He watched her hands stiffen on the steering wheel, like that triggered something in her. She didn't act out, though. She just grimaced further. "Well just in case, you can always trust me if they start acting weird."

The rest of the ride was quiet. Too quiet, in fact, that Karl had to stick his earbuds in and stare outside the window to keep sane. It wasn't long before the car pulled into their garage, and he traced the door handle with his fingers in anticipation before he heard the lock unhinge and he propped it open to get out. He heard a voice, though, so he quickly took out one earbud to take it in:

"I just wanna say if I find out you're in some sort of relationship with one of these boys, that I'm not taking you to see them like this."

Karl's music felt like white noise for a long moment, and all he could hear clearly during that was the harsh swallow in his throat. His heart felt like it was in his stomach, and he could literally feel the pulse of his body quicken and intensify. His hand shook on the door handle, unbelievably glad that she wasn't looking at him right now. "I told you a million times, I'm not interested in them. They're just my friends. That's it."

"Okay, it's just you're a hormonal girl and all-"

Karl slammed the door behind him, quickly getting out and running into the house. He was sure that no one would want to hear that conversation, for no reason whatsoever, so if she got tripped up by his response that would be on her. But to Karl, that was so much worse than just having to explain the friend-zone; it was his entire identity, and the fact that she thought he was making romantic advancements just because he was biologically female was painful. The only thing that made it worse was that he actually was making said romantic advancements, and he didn't want to believe that it was because of his biology, but to be honest, he lied awake at late hours of the night panicking, wondering if she was right.

If he was really a valid trans guy, he wouldn't be fantasizing about the warm touch of another boy, would he? If he really was trans, wouldn't the chances of him being attracted to other guys be slim just like it was for cisgender men? How did it add up for him to be transgender and same-gender attracted? Was that probable enough for him to be considered valid? Or was he confused, deluded, and dragged into an agenda like his mother said?

He just was what he was. He felt so happy this way. No matter what the probability of his existence was, how could it possibly be wrong? He didn't get out of bed every day excited for the "attention" that being transgender brought him. In fact, that so-called "attention" was his worst nightmare, and often included his mom invalidating him relentlessly, day after day. It also made sure he couldn't walk into a new class without consulting the teacher about his name whilst probably attracting the disgusted stares of his peers, or changing for gym class in a staff room all by himself that could only be accessed by trailing behind his teacher like a lost puppy.

It felt like a curse to him. If he could close his eyes now and wake up in the body of a cisgender guy, he didn't think he would complain of a single thing ever again. It felt like all his life problems came from the same stem of transphobia. He couldn't wait until he could see the flower bloom on it and pick it off. That was the stage Nick was at, so he knew it existed. Despite the pressures and struggles of living in an oppressive society, Nick was prevailing, and his flower was the testosterone in his system. Karl wanted to feel like he was in the same place, so badly. But that was going to take more time than ideal to get to.

Nick was the last person he texted every single night. And this time, the last words Karl read before he drifted off were paragraphs of affirmations, of kindness and support, and of affection. It was unlike anything he had ever been sent before, strung into lines so meticulously crafted it could almost be considered poetry. He knew that Nick was probably just coming up with it on the fly while he laid back in his bed, but Karl imagined him as a writer with a rough book splayed out on his desk, scrawling the pages with ink from the tip of an ivory feather. White bandana tied around his head, dark brown hair falling over the fabric to cover it except for the front and back where the ends dangled slightly to his neck. Like a character from a storybook, determined and valiant and golden.

Karl had fallen asleep with his phone in his hands. Maybe reading so many long words made his brain give out and force him to bed. He didn't mind. It was the best kind of brain-dead. It was the kind that, oddly, made him feel the most alive. To have another care for him so deeply he was reminded that on a daily basis, and with so much craftsmanship and care put into it... he might actually start to believe it to be true. That he was worthy of love, and didn't deserve to beat himself up. And that he was going to get out of this house, and get into a place with the person he trusted the most instead. They were going to share their lives together. Their paths didn't cross again for no reason.

They were soulmates, weren't they?


End file.
